Silent Hill: The Nameless Parody
by EternalFlare
Summary: When James Sunderland's wife, Mary, divorces him and takes his 'stash', he heads to Silent Hill to reclaim it, clashing with everyone and everything he meets. Rated M for Moronic and ImMature.
1. Chapter 1: Enter James

Chapter 1: Enter James

In a restroom just outside of Silent Hill, there stood a man named James Sunderland, who had come to the town in search of his wife, Mary.

He stood before a mirror, examining his reflection, applying some lipstick, and making faces. Eventually he grew tired of this, and tried to smash the mirror; his hand went through it like water.

'Whoa, that's cool, my hand went through the mirror . . . wait, my hand went through the mirror . . . _MY HAND WENT THOUGH THE MIRROR_!' James turned and ran, screaming out of the bathroom, until he reached the railing for viewing Lake Peluca. He stared dumbly out into the water (which wasn't difficult for him) and began to recall the note he'd recieved from Mary:

'_In my restless dreams, I see that town . . . Silent Hill. Maybe if you'd stop stealing the blanket from me every damn night, I wouldn't be so restless . . . but I digress. I'm through with you, James . . . I stole your stash. If you remember where our special place is, come here and I might give it back._'

'I got a letter . . .' James said to noone. 'The name on the envelope said . . . "Mary" . . . which was my wife's name . . . it's ridiculous, couldn't possibly be true. Mary was illiterate, and she couldn't write a letter if she tried. She didn't even know the alphabet. But, there's a booger at the bottom of the paper . . . it had to be Mary!'

James sprinted from the railing, going down the stairs and coming to a long, downward slope. After two minutes of jogging, James began to get tired.

'If this goes down the whole way, then I'll just roll.' So James laid on his back and rolled down the slope, until he came to a stop when his head hit a large well. Standing up, he found a small piece of red paper floating in the water.

'Umm . . . am I supposed to do something?' he asked out loud. No answer came forth, so he shrugged and ran through a gate just down the path.

He found himself in a cemetary, and after skipping forward a bit, he came upon a really ugly person in a red sweater with black hair. It was kneeling against a grave stone.

'Hey man, do you know how to get to Silent Hill?' James asked.

'What do you mean man?' the person said as they stood up, revealing cleavage. James would have stared if not for the horrendous being that they sat upon.

'Well, I figured you were a man, since you look so butch.' The woman nodded in agreement.

'Silent Hill is that way,' the woman said, pointing the way James had been going.

'Duh, I knew that, retard. How do I get there? Is there a shortcut, cuz all this walking is annoying.'

'There's only the one road – you can't miss it.'

'Do you not _notice_ the fog?' James yelled. 'I think it'd be pretty easy to miss a road with fog like this!'

'I think you should stay away.'

'No way, my wife stole my stash, and I'm getting it back.'

'What's your stash?'

'. . . are you a cop?' James asked, backing up.

'No. I'm looking for my mama – I mean, my mother.'

'I don't care.'

'I thought my father and brother were here–'

'_I don't care_,' James said more forcefully.

'–but I can't find them.'

James walked up to the woman and shook her violently. 'I don't care! So _shut up_!'

'Ahh! Rape! Daddy, no!' the woman said, pulling out a knife.

'Uhh,' James said, eyes growing wide, 'moving on!' He took off down the 'unmissable road' and was out of sight.

After running aimlessly for a few minutes, James came across a chainsaw embedded in a log, still running.

'Cool, is this like, an Excalibur-like chainsaw? Will I be king if I pull it out?' James reached down and pulled as hard as he could, but the chainsaw was stuck fast – granted, James was pushing, so it wasn't a very effective method. After giving up, he ran all the way to Silent Hill.

'The town is empty,' he mused as he jogged through the barren streets. As he ran, he suddenly slid and landed face-first into a pile of red liquid.

'Oh my God. . .' James said, slowly backing up. '_KETCHUP!_' He began licking up the – err – 'ketchup' – when he saw a shape out of the corner of his eye. It was armless, and swayed side to as it walked. James stood there, looking for a moment, before he spoke.

'That looked creepy, almost like a "monster" . . . only one thing to do when in a town full of monsters . . . _INVESTIGATE!_' So James ran down the street after the shape, which, despite having no arms, was much faster than he.

Ultimately he came to a large barricade, which he dove through _Mission Impossible-_style. Standing, he saw the monster standing up: it was armless, pinkish, and very ugly. James, mortified, looked frantically for a weapon. Running past the katana in the corner, he reached next to the BFG and grabbed a wooden plank from the barricade. Turning back to the monster, he charged savagely.

'Pardon me, could you please hand me the -- AAGH!' the monster said as James leapt upon it with the wooden plank. He bashed it into oblivion, and then poked it with the plank after it lay motionless.

'Is it dead?' he asked. 'What is it? Looks kinda like Mary's mom . . . Mrs. Shepard?' No response. 'Okay, so I'm not a murderer . . . I think. There _was_ that one night in Vegas . . . that kid came out of nowhere!'

James climbed out of the barricade, and ran through the streets, aimlessly beating monsters with his newfound weapon. After six hours, James found himself at a large gate, which he scaled and dropped over the other side.

'Hmm, this looks like an ugly, creepy building where I'll probably find a lot of monsters and crazy people . . . let's get started!'

So James recklessly opened the door to the apartment building and entered.

_To be continued . . ._

— —

_This is my second draft of Chapter 1, and it turned out longer and better than the first draft._ _I really don't know why I'm writing this – just need a break from 'serious' writing. I hope you get a quick laugh from this at least; I don't expect this to be hilarious. _

_Note: BFG from Doom. In my definition, it stands for Big F-ing Gun. Mirror segment from The Evil Dead._


	2. Chapter 2: Abnormal Apartments

Chapter 2: Abnormal Apartments

James took a map off the wall and ran up the stairs. When he reached the second floor, he opened the door and heard the sound of those armless things. Yelling like a caveman, he hunted each one down and brutally assaulted them. Returning to the door he came from, he walked down a bit and tried the knobs. One opened into a room with a mannequin dressed as Mary. James ran up to it and raised the plank.

'Give me back my – huh?' he yelled, and lowered his club. Realising it was a mannequin, he took the pocket flashlight tucked in the breast pocket of the blouse; as he did, a mannequin monster stood up. Screaming like a girl, James swung the plank into its leg (the one on the top, the right one. James' left – oh, nevermind): it cracked, and the mannequin-thing screamed at the top of its nonexistant lungs.

'I won – you know it – you lost – . . . you know it?' James sang as he moonwalked over the defeated beast. Tired of his celebration ceremony, James left the room and tried all the other doors. Most were locked, and so he went back upstairs to a dark hallway. He turned left and ran to the end of the hall, throwing the door open. Inside, the first thing he saw, was a pistol laying in a shopping cart. He picked it up and shoved the plank in his pocket. Afterwards, he sped out the door.

Approaching the bars seperating him from the right side of the hallway, he spied a key on the floor. Reaching down, he stuck his hand through and groped for it. He couldn't reach it, and just then, he felt something press his hand to the ground very hard. Then he saw the key get kicked away – looking up, he saw it was an eight-year old girl.

'Ha ha!' she said.

James began to laugh disarmingly as he raised his pistol and fired three shots at the girl. She screamed and ran away, terrified.

'Yeah! Don't mess with Sunderland, or you get capped! You hear!? Don't mess with _me_!'

Standing up, he ran downstairs, not sure what to do. For ten minutes he ran aimlessly.

'_Blow the universe, into nothingness; nuclear warfare, shall lay us to rest! Bam-bam! Fight fire with fire – the ending is near. Fight fire with fire – bursting with fear; we all shall die._' James proceeded to imitate the bass guitar when he heard a scream.

'That came from north of here! Which, in terms of personal direction, is left! James to the resc-yoooo!' He ran down the hallway until he came to a set of bars, with a glowing Pyramid object behind them.

'Hellooo, my name is James, and I'm here to rescue whoever screamed? Did you scream?'

No answer.

'Well, that is really rude when you're talking to someone, and they–'

'You shall die,' came a whisper from nowhere.

'Uhh . . . yeah. That's kinda what mortality is. You know, I die eventually, whether by organic decomposition or an accident.'

'No, you'll die soon. Like, an hour or two.'

'Oh.' James screamed suddenly and ran into a nearby room. Forced to investigate, he wandered aimlessly until he found a clock. Having an innate fear of clocks for some reason, James took out his plank and beat it to pieces, revealing a hole in the wall. Climbing through, he went through a door.

'This is where that Pyramid thing was . . . so that means that it probably went this way . . . only one thing to do now . . . _DANCE_!'

Author: OK, that's it, that's the last straw. I'm not doing this anymore.

'Oh come on!' James pleaded.

Author: No, I'm not going to write you dancing.

'Just a little–'

Author: Not happening.

'Then what?'

Author: _INVESTIGATE_!

So James went through the door the Pyramid went through, and ran up a staircase. Entering a door, he heard some armless things and started capping them relentlessly. After he killed them all, he was out of ammo. Ducking inside of a room, he found the Pyramid thing raping another monster.

Quickly he ducked into a closet, and was quiet as can be. But the Pyramid turned around and began looking around, gradually coming closer to the closet. James, in panic, turned and found a handgun clip. Sliding it into his gun, he found the Pyramid Head reaching for the knob.

'Uh . . . _this is a dreeeeam_,' James said in a weird voice. '_You're sleeeeeeeping_.'

'Man,' the Pyramid said, reaching away and sighing.. 'I gotta stop drinking.' As he turned away, James kicked open the closet door and screamed:

'_**SURPRISE!**_'

He then proceeded to pump every bullet into Pyramid Head's back. Crying, the monster ran out the room. Pulling out the plank and yelling like a madman, James chased the monster down the hall. He lost all traces of the thing, however, and could only run aimlessly down the halls.

Throwing a random door open, he found himself in a dirty apartment with a body stuffed in the refridgerator.

'I don't think that whoever lives here shut the door right,' James commented as he walked towards the sound of a man puking. Wanting to appear dramatic, James kicked down the door and turned to a fat guy vomiting in a toilet.

'_Holy mother of hamburger_!' the fat guy screamed as he turned with a magnum revolver pointed straight at James' head.

'Whoa, is that magnum!?' James said, looking at the gun as if it was a shiny toy.

'Yeah, it's – urrk!' The fat man resumed puking.

'I'll just wait here then.' So James waited for six minuted, but still the fat man puked.

'What did you eat?!' James cried as he began to get bored.

'I didn't kill him!' the fat man said as he puked more.

'What?'

'What?'

'Huh?'

'Huh?'

'Nevermind.'

'Okay.'

'Huh?'

'What?'

'I don't know.'

'Me neither.'

'I'm James.'

'Eddie.'

'Eddie: why are you dressed like you're six?'

'He was like that when I got here, honest.'

'This is boring,' James sighed as he fiddled with his pistol.

'Try being where _I_ am.'

'I'd rather vomit than be chased by a bunch of monsters, get stomped on by an eight-year old, and fight some big, Pyramid thing that has no name.'

'. . .'

'Bye,' James said as he left. Running around mindlessly, he found himself on the other side of the bars where the kid had stepped on his hand. He picked up the key, and was magically teleported to a big, blue door.

'How did I get here?' he asked.

Author: Plot device, James. You were taking too long.

'Can you use your plot device to give me ammo? This plank gave me a splinter :-( .'

Author: . . . did you just use an emote?

'No. About the ammo . . . ?'

Author: Just open the door.

Jamed unlocked the door with the key and opened it. There was no fire escape, just a window across a gap.

'_YOU SUCK!_' James screamed at the author.

Author: Just go across, you're giving me a headache.

So our hero crossed the gap, winding up in a different building. He was in an apartment when he got the urge to pee. Going to the toilet, he noticed something stuck inside. Carelessly, James stuck his hand in and pulled out a wallet. It said:

_Dude, if you're reading this, you're a pervert. But then again, I am the guy who shoved this down a toilet . . . congratulations! The code to the safe is 1 2 3 4._

James ran out into the living room and entered the combination for a safe laying on a stool. And inside, he found a single pistol magazine.

'Um . . . yay?'

He also found a note on the pistol:

_Congraaaaaaaaaaatulations! You've obtained the magical clip! This baby is a clip that never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER runs out of ammo! Shoot to your heart's desire!_

Sliding it into the pistol, James began firing – past ten, the pistol kept firing. 'Sweet!' he screamed and ran through the halls. Opening any door that opened, he blasted a load of monsters before he came upon a room with a large mirror on one side. On the floor there was a man with knife in front of him.

'Oh it's you,' he said.

'Hey dude.'

'_I'M NOT A DUDE_!' the 'woman' shrieked.

'Really?' James asked sincerely. 'I mean, the haircut and face suggest otherwise . . .'

'I'm so tired . . .' 'she' said.

'Well, maybe if you resembled a woman, I'd let you bed with me for tonight, if you know what I mean.'

'What's your name?'

'James.'

'Angela.'

'No, _James_.'

'_Angela_.'

'No, my name is _James. J-A-Y-M-E-S._'

'And my name is Angela, you moron.'

James was tempted to shoot 'Angela' but didn't. 'Did you find your mother?'

'No.'

'Brother?'

'No.'

'Father?'

'No.'

'Dog?'

'No – wait, dog?'

'Did they live here?'

'_WHAT?_' Angela suddenly shrieked.

'_DID THEY LIVE HERE?_' James repeated loudly.

'How do you know that?' she said, standing up with the knife poised to kill.

'Why would you be looking for them here if they didn't, you retard?'

'Oh yeah. Here, take my knife. If you examine it, you'll get a different ending.'

'What?'

'Nothing.' Angela left the room, and James picked up the knife. Shrugging, he left the room. Going down to the end of the hall, he opened the fire escape to find Pyramid Head raping a monster.

'Oh dude, I can come back later if you want!' James said as he averted his eyes.

Pyramid Head dropped the monster as he grabbed his knife. 'Oh no, that won't be necessary. I'll kill you now.'

'DUDE! That knife is _HUUUUUUUUGE_!' James screamed, holding his hands far apart to emphasise the size. Pyramid Head kept coming, and James looked around for some way out. The stairs were flooded, and the door was locked.

'Well, only one thing to do now . . . _PLANK TIME_!' James pulled the plank out and started wacking the Pyramid over the head with it.

'Oww!' Pyramid Head screamed. 'Dude, oww! That's loud! Ooh! Headache!' Pyramid Head started to run away.

'Yeah, that's right! You better fear the name Sunderland! Don't come back! Fear Sunderland, and the Plank of Dooooooooooom!'

The water flooding the stairs drained; James stepped on the first one and slipped, falling down the rest of the stairs and landing outside.

'Hmm,' he said, wiping his jacket off. 'That was convenient.'

_To be continued . . ._

— —

_The Plank of Doom joke is from 'Silent Hill 2: This room sucks' by Darkcomet; the song James sings while wandering around is 'Fight Fire with Fire' by Metallica._ _The victory song James sings, I don't know the name of. The line 'James to the resc-yooo' is from LegendaryFrog's flash parody of Resident Evil: Code Veronica X ('Steve to the rescyooooo!') Also, chapter one's title is taken from a scene in said parody, called 'Enter Steve'._


	3. Chapter 3: Of Brats and Bowling Alleys

Chapter 3: Of Brats and Bowling Alleys

James was skipping across a long road when he suddenly came upon the blonde girl who stepped on his hand.

'Hey, you!' James called up to the wall. She looked down, and scooted away warily. 'Why don't we put what happened behind us? I'm James.'

'I'm La–' the girl began before James began to shoot at her. 'You fartface!' she screamed as she leapt off the wall. 'Oww! I think I broke my leg!'

'I feel so powerful with this thing,' James said, referring to the pistol. So he began to run again, and now he found himself in Rosewater Park, a nice park near water, as the name may imply. Running still, he found a woman about his height with blonde/red hair and dressed like a slut.

'Mary!' James screamed as he raised the pistol. The woman looked up, and James put the pistol down.

'You're not,' he said, disappointed. Because, if you've forgotten, James' stash was stolen by Mary. And now he wants it back.

'Do I look like your girlfriend?' the woman asked seductively.

'You look like a whore,' James whispered under his breath. 'Yeah, you could be her twin, if you put actual clothes on. But, you do look hot. And yet, my special "radar" is telling me that you have every STD known to man, woman, dog, cat, frog, cow, and goat. And some that haven't been discovered.'

'Good call,' she conceded. 'Let me come with you, I won't be a burden. Well, I will, but you get a special ending if you take care of me.'

'I bet it's a stupid ending, but okay, you can come with me.' James, being as . . . 'eccentric' as he was, instantly turned around and ran as fast as he could. After sixteen minutes of constant running, he came to a bowling alley. He forgot about some things he was scripted to say, so he ran back to the park.

'Sorry. Anyways, do you know how to get to Lakeview Hotel?'

'It's not that way, it's this way,' the woman said. 'My name's Maria.'

'My name's James: J-A-Y-M-E-Z.'

'That's cool, I've never heard James spelled like that.'

'Shut the h– wait, was that a complement?'

'Yeah. Anyways, let's go.'

So the two took off at the speed of light, until James came upon a running car with a pipe stuck in the hood. A lightbulb came on in his head.

'We can use this . . .' he said, 'to get to Lakeview!' He yanked out the pipe and the car quit running. 'I was tired of using that plank. It gave me a splinter.' He pulled the plank out of his pocket and handed it to Maria, who put her head in her hands from frustration.

'No thanks,' she said. 'I'm not a good fighter.'

'And I am?' James asked.

'Yes,' James replied.

'Who asked you?' James retorted.

'You wanna go?' James challenged.

'Bring it!' James screamed.

Maria stepped back a little as James did this . . . thing. 'How did this retard get so far?' she muttered. 'This should be easy.'

'I did your mom!' James shouted angrily.

'My mom's your mom, you incest moron!' James replied.

'_Touché_!' James growled.

'Yeah, don't mess with Sunderland!' James said victoriously. He raised the pistol and blasted six-thousand rounds into the air – all in one minute. Quick fingered was Mr. Sunderland.

'Idiot,' James muttered.

'What did you say!?' James screamed as he spun around.

'_JAMES!_' Maria screamed. James turned to her.

'Can we _go_?' she asked.

'Yeah, we may go.' James and Maria ran past the Historical Society, to the bridge leading to Rosewater Park. They found the bridge horribly destroyed, and I mean _The Evil Dead_ style.

James fell to his knees and spread his arms out, looking at the sky and screaming 'Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo–', _inhale_, '–ooooooooooooo!'

Immediately after, James stood up and, smiling, walked back towards Pete's Bowl-O-Rama. Maria looked visibly shaken at the horribly strange encounter – James was beginning to freak her out.

'One grand _totally_ isn't enough for this,' she muttered as she ran after James. She found him by the bowling alley, dancing while singing gibberish. When he noticed Maria, he stopped and abruptly opened the bowling alley door.

'No thanks,' Maria said. 'I _totally hate _bowling.'

'I didn't come here to play – too much – you know,' James said casually.

'Hurry back, okay?' Maria said as seductively as she could.

'_NOPE_!' James shouted as he ran like a little kid into the bowling alley. He opened a side door and ran through when he heard voices.

'So what'd you do: robbery? Murder?' he heard the girl's voice, and almost ran out guns-blazing, when he heard Eddie's voice.

'Yeah, both, plus I sped in a School zone. Oh, and I blew a football player's balls off. And I ate a dog whole. Okay, I did a lot of stuff . . .'

'Ha! You're just a gutless fatso!'

'You know, I could blow your balls off and eat _you_ whole.'

'I don't have balls. I'm a girl.'

'I can arrange that.'

'Well,' the girl said quickly, 'I guess I run away lots too. Like, there was this guy with a gun who just shot at me because I stepped on his hand and kicked away a key.'

'Why'd you do that?'

''Cuz I promised his wife that I'd never let him reach his stash.'

James stood up and ran to the door. 'Did you find that lady you were lookin' for? What's her name? Gary?' Eddie's voice said.

'Mary, fatso.'

'This is a Colt Python, so watch it.'

James burst through the wall at that moment, pistol aimed and ready to shoot the child. But she was gone, it seemed.

'Eddie?' James said casually as he walked up.

'Umm, yer . . .'

'James. We met in the crappy apartments.'

'Yeah, I remember. You're the blonde moron who smells like wet dog.'

'At least I don't have man boobs.'

No response.

'Are you alone here Eddie?' James asked.

'Uh, no . . .' Eddie said as a bowling-ball rolled his way. From out of the shadows came a blonde figure, which James (through extreme concentration) determined was the girl.

'Bye bye!' she said as she walked out the door. James screamed 'Wait!' as he flaunted the pistol about. He spun to Eddie.

'Eddie, let's go after her!'

'Huh? Dora? But why?'

'It's _Laura_,' came the girl's voice from far away.

'This town is full of monsters!' James yelled. 'One of them might kill her first! How can you sit there and eat pizza when there's a brat to shoot?'

'She said she was fine by herself! She said a fatso like me would only slow her down!'

'Well, she was right, but what does that have to do with anything I'm saying?'

'I love pizza,' Eddie said ignorantly as he ate an entire slice whole. '_Loooove _it – and chocolate!'

'Screw you,' James said, running out the front door. He found Maria gone, for which he was thankful – until she ran up to him, panting.

'Did a little, blonde-haired brat run past here?' he asked in panic.

'Yeah, but she was too fast for me,' Maria panted.

'If you'd had the plank, you could have thrown it at her,' James fumed. 'Come on, I've got to kill that stupid brat.'

'_KILL_ her?' Maria shrieked. 'You're gonna kill an eight-year old!?'

'Yeah . . . ?' James asked, as if not understanding the nature of the question. Maria screamed in frustration and told James to follow her. Getting on all fours, James panted and strode behind Maria. They went through an alley behind the bowling alley (lol) and came to a crack in the wall.

'She went through there,' Maria said. James tried to fit through the crack, but didn't fit. So he fell down and began to cry. Maria kicked him hard in the ribs, and he coughed up a fountain of blood as he stood up.

'Sorry, I lost my unbreakable composure.'

'The only way through there is the strip-club–'

'_STRIP CLUB_!' James screamed, 'yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.' He proceeded to run in circles as he yelled 'Oh yes'. Maria punched him square in the ribs, and he coughed up more blood.

'Sorry, I showed a moment of non-existent weakness,' he apologised. James blew down the door (literally, with his mouth) and the two ran through the strip club as fast as they could.

'I don't see why the author cut the Heaven's Night scene out,' James moaned.

Author: Because I had writer's block and I know James will do something gross and immature.

'Psshh!' James scoffed as he picked his nose. 'Idiot!'

'Let's run forward,' Maria said. The duo ran forward, down the street and towards Brookhaven Hospital, where they saw Laura entering the building.

'Over there!' Maria screamed.

James snorted and said 'Eww, I hate hospitals!'

'Get in there, or I'll get the whip out!'

'What whi–oww!' James screamed as he ran through the door into Brookhaven. 'If you weren't so hot, I'd blast your skull open . . .'

_To Be Continued . . ._

— —

_Every joke is by me, I think. Yup, all o' them. Bye!_


	4. Chapter 4: Nuthouse

Chapter 4: Nuthouse

'Eww, it smells like rubber and medicine,' James commented as he and Maria searched for Laura in the hospital. 'If there's a doctor, maybe he can prescribe me some medical marijuana.'

'Why would he do that?' Maria asked.

'Coercement,' James said, subconsciously fingering his newfound steel pipe. 'Anyway, let's hurry up and find this brat.'

'You're not going to kill her, James.'

'I'm going to kill her – you're not going to stop me, Maria.' James and Maria ducked into a room, with a red piece of paper on the table. Our hero picked it up and looked at it long and hard, until the save screen came up. James decided not to save his game, confident in his abilities to pwn anything with the pipe (he'd forgotten about the pistol already). In an adjacent room, he found a piece of a diary.

_Originally, I was going to write something of potential importance here, but for some reason, I'm not going to. I'm really drunk right now, but I remember it had something to do with 'reality' and some guy's other world. Anyways, what I really wanted to write is that we locked a BFG in the second floor, women's locker room. Well, we didn't lock it, and in fact, it's wide open. The ammo can be found in – well, we don't really know where the ammo went. That's the last time we trust Steve._

_Time to drink some whiskey and –_

'What's a BFG?' James asked.

'I don't know,' Maria said, 'because I never, ever have played _Doom_.'

'What's _Doom_?'

'Um, I wouldn't know, 'cuz I _totally_ didn't play it. Ever.'

'Isn't that a game–'

'_YEAH AND IT'S AWESOME_!' Maria screamed suddenly. James looked at her blankly, and walked past her. She spaced out, and followed him dumbly.

'Time to go up the magical staircase of horror,' James said as he opened the stairway door. Sprinting up the stairs, he came to a door that had 2F written on it. Glad to be on the third floor, he opened it and felt something dull hit him in the head. Turning to his left he saw a weird, skimpily dressed Nurse, with a pipe in hand. James raised the pipe to fight it.

'James!' Maria shrieked, 'there's a monster!'

'Excuse me,' James said to the monster as he hit Maria in the head with the pipe. 'Thank you for the ground breaking info, Ms. Maria, but there were some subtle hints, like, I don't know, _GETTING HIT IN THE HEAD WITH THE PIPE_,_ SEEING IT BEFORE YOU_, and _THIS RADIO GOING OFF THAT I DON'T REMEMBER PICKING UP!_'

'Good point,' Maria conceded.

James turned back to the monster: 'Thank you,' he said as he dealt a strong blow to its head. Walking forward, he turned to the left and went in one room. Inside was a lab coat varnished with blood. James slid it on and giggled. 'I'm Dr. James!'

'Dr. Sunderland,' Maria corrected.

'Just for that, I diagnose you with bird flu and gonorrhea – oh and syphilis!'

'Already got the last two,' she said lazily.

'Crabs?'

'Got it.'

'Herpes?'

'Yup.'

'Anal seepage?'

'What?'

'You'll see.'

Maria ripped the lab coat off James and a key fell out. James stooped and put it in his bottomless pockets and they left, turning right and going through another door. Inside, James spied a teddy bear.

'Awesome!' he screamed, 'a teddy bear! Oh, I've always wanted one of the– _AHHHHH!_' James had picked up the bear, and now was bleeding profusely from his right hand. He reached and found a rusty nail embedded in the bear, and he screamed.

'What's wrong?' Maria asked.

'I pricked myself,' James said, screaming no more and acting casual, even though his hand was still gushing blood.

'Looks like it cut you a little,' Maria said sarcastically.

'Oh, it's nothin'.'

'Um, James, you may want to wrap that . . .'

'Nah,' James smiled and walked to the other lockers. Inside was a shotgun, along with a note:

_Hey it's Steve – I, uh, kinda mixed up the package. Instead of the BFG, we kinda got an order of shotguns. We've placed random packs of shotgun ammo around the place. Just so I can know for future knowledge, why did we, a hospital, order a BFG?_

Hastily written, there was another note under it:

_So we can keep the patients under control, of course. What's more terrifying than seeing a humongous lazer-cannon being pointed at your face?_

In reply, there was the same, lazy script below the hasty-script:

_Probably those demon nurses carrying pipes. Why are they there, anyway? We should probably get rid of them, and maybe install some lights in here. I mean, the flashlight batteries keep dying, and then we have to feel our way to the rooms, and that's not pleasant with demon nurses wandering everywhere. We should REALLY stop giving the nurses drugs, it kinda makes them – well, carry pipes, get really pale, and shamble around. Really annoying. Maybe the shotguns will solve the problem . . ._

James took the shotgun and cocked it, ready to blow the demon nurses back to the Hellish drug trip they came from. Maria scoffed and said 'What an ugly weapon. I'd leave it.'

'You'd _leave_ a twelve-gauge shotgun behind? Are you an idiot?'

'Not as much as you.'

'Only a true friend would be so honest,' James said as he walked out the door. Maria sighed, and followed.

Going through a door into a long hallway with many rooms, James and Maria checked each room. None yielded anything of use. Singing 'Tom Sawyer' by Rush, James took off up the stairs, followed by Maria, who was vocalising the guitar. On the third floor there was a keypad locking a big double door.

'Well, guess we'll have to find the co–' Maria began; suddenly there was a loud blast, and the door flew open. James' shotgun was smoking.

'It appears the code was a couple rounds of buckshot,' James said as they walked through the door. Inside, there were a bunch of Nurses who raised their pipes threateningly.

'Die, Ja– whoa, is that a shotgun?'

'No,' James said.

'Oh,' the Nurses said with relief – and then their heads exploded after a bright flash, and loud boom.

'Wait . . . yes it is!' James said as he opened the nearest door. Inside was a bed. Maria sat down as James began shining the flashlight around.

'James . . . wait a minute. I'm kinda tir– stop shining that in my eyes! I'm kinda tired. Plus, my – _JAMES_, _stop it_! My herpes is flaring up.' She coughed.

'Well, stay here until it calms down. I'll go out and look for Laura.'

'Don't kill her!' Maria yelled after him. James ignored her. Happy to be rid of her, James ran up the stairs to the roof. Once there, he found a diary laying on the ground.

_Day 1_

_Rain. Plus some lightning. Well, mostly tornados, and an earthquake. Then the sun went black. Anyways, I'm really bored here. I got myself committed because I thought they'd have drugs, but they don't . . . just White Claudia, which I'm now immune to. Maybe I can sneak some morphine in . . ._

_Day 2_

_No morphine, 'cuz the stupid nurses here are drinking it like water. Well, of course they drink it like water, it is a liquid . . . I mean, they guzzle it. Day in, day out, they're in the staff room drinking it by the gallons. Like, six of them got pregnant, and then they didn't care, just kept taking shots. This hospital is awesome!_

_Day 3_

_Rain again. Why am I writing a diary of my experiences in a mental hospital? I'm crazy, that's why. But still, what's the point of keeping a diary? I'm a MENTAL PATIENT. Noone is ever going to say 'He was so deep' or 'He was a tortured soul', because noone is going to READ IT. I'm just leaving it up here so it gets torn up by the rain. Screw this._

James raised his eyebrow, and ran to the safety railing. He pushed it a little, and it shook. Giggling, James stepped onto the edge of the roof and shook the railing with his body, screaming 'Whooooaaa!' Suddenly there was a loud scratching noise.

'Nothing!' James screamed as he jumped onto the ground. There, standing before him, was the Pyramid thing. James, remembering what the Pyramid had been doing in the Apartments, looked in horror as the thing came closer.

'I have a choice!' he screamed as he raised the shotgun and pulled the trigger. The shot hit Pyramid head on. Wait, no, hit Pyramid Head head on.

Pyramid, stunned, swung his knife forward, hitting James in the balls. Puking up blood and crying, James hit the safety railing, which broke off, crashing through the roof and landing on the third floor. Standing up as if nothing happened, James went through the door and back to the hallway containing the door where Maria was. Running to the end of the hallway, he opened the door and found a box, sealed with chains and two padlocks.

'Hmm . . .' James said as he raised the shotgun, blasting the box open. 'There is no limit to a human's abilities when armed with a high-powered close-ranged shotgun.' Inside was a hair. James took it and looked at it. It was long, and brown, and very much like a _hair_.

'What? Author, I hate you.'

Author: I had nothing to do with this one, man. Take it up with Konami.

'Can I just get out of this hospital, and find Laura!?' James screamed.

Author: Must I use the plot device once more?

'I don't know. I mean, yes.'

James was instantly whisked away to the first floor, where he opened a door. There were two large teddy bears on the table, and he heard Laura giggling.

'Laura?'

'Huh? You know my name?' she asked as she hugged a teddy bear.

'Freddie told me.'

'Eddie.'

'Who?'

'Eddie, the fat guy.'

'Who is that?'

'The guy who dresses like he's a toddler, and has a magnum.'

'I don't follow.'

'That fat idiot!'

'Oh, Eddie!'

'Yes!'

'That dark haired guy with the knife? I don't think he's fat.'

'Nevermind, James.'

'Nevermind, I have come to kill you!' James yelled triumphantly.

'Umm . . . you want some candy before you kill me?'

James paused. 'Yes, I think I shalt taketh this candy that thine offer mine-self.'

Laura stood up and ran out the door, taking James to a large double door. James entered and began scouring when the door slammed shut.

'Ha ha!' Laura cried. 'I tricked you!'

'There's no candy!?' James asked, almost in tears.

'You want out of there?'

'Not really,' James said. 'There's a Super Nintendo in here.'

'Whoa! Really?' Laura asked as the door opened. James leapt at the crack, screaming and pointing his shotgun at her head.

'I'll kill you, you little brat!' he spat.

Author: That rhymed.

Shut up. Anyways, Laura shut the door and locked it, running off crying. James turned around, and three caged-monsters fell from the ceiling.

'I'm almost out of shotgun ammo . . .' he said. 'One solution.' At length, he drew the plank and the pipe at the same time – with a cry, he charged forward and –

–BEEP–

We interrupt this program due to violence and much swearing. In this short intermission, we bring you what is happening to Maria. Thank you for your time, and attention.

Pyramid Head stood by Maria, who was snoring loudly, and seemed to be thinking.

_I already went to prison once . . . I can't go again! But I just can't stop! Stupid childhood to desire to be loved, forcing me to make women (or mannequins) to –_

'Hello?' Maria said, sitting up. Pyramid froze.

'Uhh . . . hey.'

'Let me guess. You're thinking of raping me?'

'Um . . . you could say that.'

'Well, no need. I'll take you for free.'

'Can – can you see right?'

'You don't look as bad as my other boyfriends.'

'I'm a monster, you know?'

'So is James, but I'd do it anyday.'

'. . . I agree there.'

'Do you have any "diseases"?'

'No – you?'

'Uh, _nooooooo . . ._'

_To Be Continued . . ._

— — —

_Next chapter: Nightmare Hospital. Will Pyramid Head contract a sexually transmitted disease? Will James survive the fight with the weird cage monsters? Will Laura ever be killed? These questions will be answered – in another story, but we'll pose new ones in the next. HA!_


	5. Chapter 5: SADHAGG

Chapter 5: Super Awesome Dream Hospital A Go-Go

James sat up to the rain drops on his face, which he soon began to try and catch on his tongue. Remembering the fact that more pressing issues were at hand, he opened the door, pulling out the pistol. Walking through, he found a piece of red paper on the wall at the end of the room.

'Okay, these things are getting annoying,' he said. Raising his pistol, he blew the save point to oblivion. Turning right, he saw a big fan.

'It's really hot in this hospital – where's the switch for this thing . . .' He found it, and upon pressing it, was blown through the door behind him and knocking over six Nurses.

'Dude!' they screamed. 'You just killed two of our pals!'

'And . . .?' James said, raising the pistol.

Seeing the pistol, they said 'Well, we didn't like them anyway, so thanks!' They turned and ran.

'This hospital is really in dire need of a make over,' James commented as he began to search the rooms. 'Time to go through random doors and pick up stuff that nobody would ever take.' Kicking open a door, he rushed in, gun blazing.

— — _Meanwhile_ — —

Maria and Pyramid Head were sitting up on the bed, Maria smoking a cigarette and Pyramid Head panting.

'That was the best I've ever had!' Pyramid Head said as he calmed down. Maria moaned.

'Tell me about it,' she said, blowing a huge puff of cigarette smoke. 'I bet James would let you rape him, if he knew how good you were.'

'James is too finicky and squirmy. This is the first time I've ever "done it" without resistance!'

'Congratulations, big boy.'

Suddenly Pyramid Head began to itch his crotch. 'Why does it feel like my balls are on fire?'

Maria's eyes grew wide as she stood up. 'Oh dear, look at the time, I've got a, uh, psychiatrist appointment. You know, schizophrenia. Bye!'

Pyramid scratched until he felt a searing pain as one of the sores burst. 'You! You have herpes!' Pyramid grabbed the Great Knife and chased after Maria.

— — _Back to Jaaaaaames_ — —

James had slaughtered everyone in the hospital that was a nurse, had reached the third floor, and was entering the basement.

'Who's the man?' he asked in a high pitched voice.

'James is the man,' he answered in a low-pitched voice. Opening the basement door, he found a hundred Pepsi cans strewn about the floor. After drinking fifty of them, he found a shelf with bloody hand prints. Heaving it out of the way, he discovered a secret passage.

'James!' came Maria's voice from behind.

'Mary!' he screamed, blasting five rounds right near Maria's head. 'Oh, Maria. It's you. I thought you were Mary. Anyways, I'm sad that you found me.'

'I was almost killed by that Pyramid Head guy!' she screamed. 'Why didn't you try to save me?'

'Because I never saw you,' James said. 'How can I save you if I don't know where you are? Think before you speak Maria, it helps me a lot.'

'I gave Pyramid Head herpes, and now he's after me!'

'Well, I don't blame him.' James and Maria went down the ladder, found a ring, went up to the third floor, and got in the elevator. Suddenly the radio turned on, and a weird voice came over the speaker.

'Heeeeeeeeey there everyone! Welcome to another exciting edition of "Trick or Treat"! The game show where you either answer the questions correctly and win a great prize, or fail to answer correctly, and receive the punishment. It all depends on you. And our unlucky challenger today is James – James Sunderland! Are you ready to play "Trick or Treat"?'

'No,' James said loudly.

'Okay, question one: what is your name? A: James Sunderland; B: James Sunderland; C: James Sunderland.'

'That's a hard one,' James commented.

'Question two: what is the colour of the sky on a sunny day? A: Black; B: blue; C: purple-red.'

'Why must these be so difficult!' James fumed.

'And now, our third and final question: what is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? A: the Speed of Light; B: thirty-seven miles per second; C: What do you mean – African or European swallow?

'If you think you know the answers, head on down to the third floor storage room to insert your answers! But be careful: if you're wrong . . .'

The broadcast ended.

'I hate that gameshow,' James said as the elevator dinged.

— — _Meanwhile, Pyramid Head . . ._ — ---

'God, it itches so bad!' Pyramid Head screamed as he walked around the Super Awesome Dream Hospital (or Nightmare Hospital in layman's terms). 'This knife is too slow. I think I'll drop it and call Number Two to come pick it up.'

Entering a door on the first floor . . .

Author: That rhymed.

. . . Pyramid Head saw a bunch of Nurses swinging their pipes at each other, giggling and taking shots of morphine. They stopped when they saw him.

'Hey there handsome,' one piped up from the back. 'Man, this room is so bright!' The others giggled innocently. Pyramid Head grinned, and dropped the Great Knife.

'Hey ladies,' he said. 'Come give me some lovin'.'

— — _Baaaack to James and Maria_ — —

Author: Stop with the over accentuated vowel, announcer guy. It's annoying.

— — _Shut uuuuuuuuup EternalFlare — —_

Author: Do you want to die?

— — _You're a siiiiiissyyyyy who's never fought in his liiiiife _— —

Author: Tell that to everyone in Silent Hill Prison. At least I didn't drop the soap on purpose like you.

— — _Touuuuuuuché!_ — —

'Can we get to our adventure?' James asked.

Author: Yeah, let's do that. (Looks at Announcer Guy) I have an actual replica of the plank, that's gonna be stickin' out of your—

James and Maria were in front of that stupid Trick or Treat box in the storage room, trying to remember the answers.

'What is my name?' James asked.

'James,' Maria said dryly. 'First one is C.' James pushed the C button.

'Okay, now–' James began.

'B,' Maria answered. James hit B.

'The last one's tough,' Maria said, scratching her head.

Author: Plot device?

'No,' James said. 'I think it's C.' James hit C – the box sprang open, revealing a single shotgun shell and a note.

_Congraaaaaaatulations! You just found the Infinite Ammo Shotgun Shell! This will endow your shotgun with unlimited ammo, that will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,_ _EVER run out._

'Aww yeah!' James said, cocking the shotgun as he inserted the shell. 'Let's go!' James and Maria took off for that door that you have to put the rings on the woman. James put the first one, on and tried the door. Nothing. During the intermission, James and Maria had found the second ring . . .

_Flashback_

'_How are we gonna open this?' James said. Maria bent down to lift it – it didn't budge. James tried; nothing. Stepping back, he blasted the thing into pieces with one round of his shotgun. Stooping, he took the ring._

'_Author, have I ever told you how much I hate you?' he said._

_Author: Yes, James, yes you have._

_End Flashback_

. . . and so they put it on the woman's finger. It slid open. Before them was an extremely long staircase. Sighing, James and Maria began down it.

— — _Meanwhile_ — —

Pyramid Head woke up without the helmet or his robes on. Quietly he gathered them and his knife, and made for the door. The Nurses all woke up.

'Pookiekens!' one screamed. 'Where are you going?'

'Look, this was a mistake. I've got to go kill some tramp. I'll be back tomorrow, dollfaces, you're all very beautiful, but duty calls.' He went out the door.

The Nurses were silent until one started giggling. 'He said doody!' The others started laughing.

— — _Whoooosh_ — —

James and Maria came to a door at the bottom of the endless stairway, catching their breath. James, for some reason, gave all his equipment to Maria and said 'Hold on to this for me, okay?' He reserved for himself only the plank.

'Why are you giving me all your stuff?' Maria asked.

'Because, they're taking up too much room, despite the fact that my pockets are large black holes that hold an infinite amount of items.' They went through the door. Running through, they heard a loud screaching sound.

'Maria!' Pyramid Head's voice came from the behind the duo. 'You have no idea how much this hurts! Well, maybe you do, but that just makes it worse!' He no longer bore the Great Knife – instead, he had a spear.

'What's he talking about?' James asked as he ran.

'Long story,' Maria said. James was blowing Maria out of the dust, and Pyramid Head was catching up. Out of the darkness, James came to an elevator. Too fast to stop, he smacked into the wall, stumbling back to see Maria being chased by Pyramid Head.

'Maria!' he cried – the elevator doors began to close. He reached out and held them open, but they still resisted. Maria's hand went through the elevator.

'James! Please help!'

'Open up!' James screamed, about to shoot the panel.

'My herpes! My herpes is flaring up!'

James was silent, in horror, before he began hitting buttons, screaming 'Close, close!'

'What? James, I hate you!'

'Give me my stuff, you're gonna die!'

'Jaaaaames!' Maria was suddenly stabbed by Pyramid Head's spear.

'My stuff!' James cried as he fell to his knees. The door closed. James began to cry over his stuff.

Author: Well, look on the bright side. You don't have herpes.

'You're right,' James muttered as he stood up, waiting for the doors to open. He had escaped the horror of herpes.

_To be continued . . ._

— — —

_Will James make it with no guns? Is Pyramid Head satisfied? Did James really escape getting herpes? I mean, that stuff can be anywhere. Is he really out of the Super Awesome Dream Hospital A Go-Go? Tune in next time for: Nightmare Silent Hill!_


	6. Chapter 6: Outside Adventures

Chapter 6: Outside Adventures

James ran around aimlessly, trying to find a way out of the Super Awesome Dream Hospital. He came to a door, plain, and, upon opening it, found a room with a window and a desk, but not much else. Upon looking at the desk, he found a piece of paper and a key.

_He who is not bold enough to be stared at from across the Abyss is not brave enough to stare into the Abyss himself. The truth can only be learned from marching backwards, taking a left, making a U-turn, sidestepping to the right three times, and moonwalking back sixteen paces._

_Or simply going to the Historical Society, that might work. This key was originally for the Hospital front door, but I'm replacing it with the one to the Historical Society. I'm too lazy to put the wrench on the steps and then make you go to the statue. Just go the H.S, and let me get drunk._

— _XOXOXOX random guy never seen in the game._

'Let's get started,' James said as he broke the window leading out of the Super Awesome Dream Hospital.

— — _Meanwhile, with Laura — —_

Laura was skipping merrily through the streets, singing 'The Wheels on the Bus'. She was on Nathan Avenue when she found Eddie with a big, black bag, wrapping up some big figure.

'Hey fatso,' she called. 'Watchya doin'?'

Eddie paused, looking at her blankly. 'Uh . . . nothing.'

Laura made no move, oblivious to the circumstances around her. She skipped towards him a little, and paused, looking at the bag.

'Go away,' Eddie said, slowly drawing the Colt Python.

'Wanna play DDR?' Laura said, magically conjuring a television, electrical outlet, dance pad, and PS2. Eddie paused, before jumping on it and screaming:

'You're on!'

— –– _Snaaap! Back to Jame– wait, no, Angela — —_

Angela was walking down Nathan Avenue when suddenly she saw a blonde haired girl, and a fat blonde haired man, playing DDR to 'The Body Electric' by Rush (it was a magically conjured version, you know). Angela stared blankly as Laura got demolished by Eddie Dombrowski (or whatever). Quietly, she slinked away, into the shadows like she is so good at.

'Huh?' Laura said as Eddie chose the next song. 'Did you hear something?'

'Nooooo,' Eddie said as the next song ('Constant Motion' by Dream Theater) started. 'I may lose a couple pounds doing this, you know.'

'After eating all that pizza, I doubt it.'

— — _At Pyramid Head's crib — —_

'Joe, what have I told you about leaving your mannequin corpses on the coffee table!' screamed Tom the Pyramid Head, the one who killed Maria.

'Relax Tom,' Joe said as he lit an incense candle. 'Your aura . . . ooh, so dark, and _twisted_, so much haaaaate.'

'That's how our auras are supposed to be!' Tom yelled angrily. 'Clean up your mannequins, or get out!'

'I own this place, moron.'

'Oh yeah.' Tom absent-mindedly scratched his herpes.

'Whoa, Tom, you got, like, herpes, dude.'

'Don't remind me about it.'

'They got this new medication out, I could go get some.'

'What's it called?'

'A flamethrower, man.'

Tom screamed and jumped up, saying 'You don't understand how bad it hurts!'

'Whoa, I totally understand, maaaaaaaan. Heh, check it out, duuuude.' Joe lifted his robe to reveal a herpes infested region. 'I just, like, block it out, because we're like, gonna die eventually.'

'How long have you had that there?' Tom asked as he grabbed a bag to vomit.

'Well, it was two years after I got the stuff back here . . .' Joe reached to open the backside of his robes.

'_Stop!_' Tom screamed. 'You're sick!' He slammed the door.

'Man, he needs to chill, man . . .'

— — _Hum, ding, pop: back to Eddie and Laura — — _

Laura was drinking an Aquafina while Eddie soloed 'Californication' by The Red Hot Chili Peppers. 'How do you move so fast?' she cried. 'That song required you to move at, like, the speed of light!'

'Try this,' Eddie said, changing the song. It was 'Frantic' by Metallica.

'I should never bring magical DDR that allows you to pick the song . . .' Laura mused as her and Eddie began the showdown.

— — _DoDoDoDoDoDeDeDeDaDa!!!! James! — — —_

'For the sake of all that is Silent Hill, shut up!' James screamed at the announcer. He had been running aimlessly around the town, beating monsters with the plank and stealing a Nurse's steel pipe. Having regained some of his old weaponry, James was now in Rosewater Park, tempted to swim across Lake Peluca.

'Weeeeeee!' James screamed as he jumped from the rail – and landed on concrete. All the water in the lake had solidified and become cement, much to James' dismay. He didn't think to run to Lakeside, oh no. Instead, broken, he made his way randomly around town again.

— — _Beep bop boop, back to Pyramid Head! — —_

Pyramid Head was on his way to the Historical Society when he came upon the little jam session between Eddie and Laura. After watching the two for a minute, he congratulated Eddie on stomping Laura.

'Hey, Laura,' Tom the Pyramid Head said as he turned to her. 'You got –'

'Ahh!' Laura screamed at the sight of Pyramid Head – she ran off towards the broken bridge.

'. . . think we should tell her the bridge is out?' Pyramid Head said to Eddie.

'Nah,' Eddie replied.

'You got _Guitar Hero_?'

'Not just any _Guitar Hero . . . Super Awesome Dream Guitar Hero_. You choose any song in creation.'

'I once had a _DDR_ like that . . .'

So Eddie and Pyramid Head plugged in Guitar Hero for the PS2 (which Laura had kindly left behind), and began jamming to 'Iron Man', by Black Sabbath. Pyramid Head was ripping Eddie to pieces when Eddie pulled out a blunt.

'Uh, dude!' Pyramid Head said as he saw Eddie light it. 'That's not cool, man.'

'Eh, I figure I'm not too important in this story, so it doesn't matter if I get stoned. Noone will know.'

Author: surprise.

'See,' Eddie said. 'It's working already, and I haven't even inhaled!'

'Uhh,' Pyramid Head said, but changed it to 'May I?' They passed it back and forth, and began to play 'Free Bird', stoned, which even drugless is funny to watch.

— — _J-J-J-J-J-Jaaaames! — —_

'_Pleased to meet you; Nice to know me; What's the message? WILL YOU SHOW ME? I'VE BEEN WAITING! A LONG TIME NOW! NOW HERE'S THE ANSWER: YOU'RE ALL MINE NOW!_ _Yeeaaah, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl; yeeeahh, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl, now_. . .'

James was running through the streets, belting 'Down' by STP as he ran. '_Will you follow me Down now, Down now?_' Suddenly he air-guitar-ed in the middle of the street, drawing a crowd of Nurses and Mannequins. Abruptly he stopped, and continued down the streets, utterly lost.

'_Follow me into the desert, as thirsty as you are_ . . .'

— — _Pyramid Headdie_ — —

'Dude,' Pyramid Head said as he and Eddie lay on the ground, a cloud of smoke hovering above them. 'If you combine our names, you get "Pyramid Headdie"!

Eddie cracked up laughing, and Pyramid Head chuckled consecutively.

Calming down a little, Eddie said 'How – how can you where that helmet, man? It's like, so . . . and . . . yeah.'

'I know,' Pyramid Head said. 'Chicks dig it, though.'

'You and I, we're like _this_.' Eddie held up his hand, his thumb and index finger close together. 'Everyone else, is like . . . _that_. We're like, yig and yag, man.'

'You mean zin and zang?'

'Yeah, that. We go together like rocket launchers and shotgun shells.'

'Engines and notebooks.'

'Hammers and televisions.'

'Bottled water and chains.'

'Urine and cumulus clouds.'

'Teachers and breakfast buffets.'

'Weed and tornadoes.'

'Band-Aids and jackhammers.'

'Old ladies and electric guitars.'

'Dry cell batteries and solar flares.'

'Cheese pizza and supernovas.'

'The Crab Nebula and a biscuit.'

Suddenly all went quiet. Eddie began to laugh hysterically, and Pyramid Head joined in, and when Eddie stopped, so did Pyramid Head.

'What's so funny?' Pyramid Head asked.

'I just took a huge crap!' All was quiet, until they both began laughing. Two hours later, they became sobre and called it a day, packing up the _Guitar Hero_ and _DDR_, and each going to the Historical Society.

— — _Shooboodooboo-beep-bop: James — —_

James was running down Nathan Avenue as fast as he could when he stepped in a big pile of brown matter, slipped, and fell backwards onto the huge pile of poo.

'Noone said those stupid monsters could _poop_!' he cried as he ran blindly. Suddenly he crashed into a car, slid over the trunk, and rolled before the porch of the Historical Society. Standing, he slid the key into the lock, kicking the door open and rushing inside. Once inside, he began to search the front desk. There was a save point, which he adamantly ignored, and proceeded into the second room. On the wall to his left was a large painting of Pyramid Head, sunshine over a meadow and blue-birds nesting in his helmet as he stood on one leg, the other leg stretched out to his left and his arms up in a flamboyant ballet pose, his right arm holding a robin. Carved underneath was _Pyramid Head, self portrait_.

'Pshh . . . but, you know, that is a pretty detailed picture,' James mused as he left that room and entered a room with an enormous hole in the wall.

'Wait, the holes came two games after this,' James called up to the author.

Author: James, shut up and get in.

'Okey-dokey,' James replied, and darted down the stairs.

— — _Sixteen years later . . . nah, just an hour — —_

'Whoever built that staircase didn't have much empathy for its travellers,' James panted as he reached the bottom, housing a door. Opening it, he found himself in a metallic room that was similiar to a prison. He found his pistol laying on a desk near a tab of paper, and he gladly picked it up – it still carried unlimited ammunition. After a very long dance routine, James proceeded through the uninteresting prison rooms until he came to a room with a key on the floor. He picked it up, and upon doing so, his flashlight went dead. Pulling out a spare he happened to have, he replaced the dead battery to find the room crawling with cockroaches.

'Hmm,' James said, 'two of my favourite words. Huh? No time, Sunderland, no time!' He ran to the keypad by the door to find three numbers illuminated: _1, 2, _and _3_.

_213_

_321_

_231_

_312_

_132_

_123_

_Ding!_

'That's stupid,' James said as he ran out of the room screaming. He came before a large pit in the ground, locked by a chain-link fence. James looked at the key:

_Th1s k3y l34d5 t0 t3h H013_.

James used it to unlock the grate, which he was standing on when it opened downward, forcing him into the H013. He fell asleep.

_To be continued . . ._

— — —

_Are Eddie and Pyramid Head sobre enough to make it to their programmed points? Will James survive the H013? Where will he land? Tune in next time, for: The Prison!_

_P.S: I'm pretty sure that the only songs that are accurately on DDR or Guitar Hero is Iron Man, which I know is on GH1, and Free Bird, from GH2. I've never played DDR, so I'd never know about that. You should buy the Magical Dream version, it's really quite good. Of course, it doesn't technically EXIST . . ._


	7. Chapter 7: BFG

Chapter 7: Big F-ing Gun

James woke up sitting on the floor – he took out the pocket flashlight, and shone it around the room, ultimately landing on Eddie, who was next to a corpse.

Eddie looked up at James and held up his gun. 'Killin' a person ain't no big deal: you put the gun to their head, pow!'

'_WHOA_!' James cried. 'You killed him!?'

'B–b–but it wasn't my fault. He made me do it. That guy . . . he had it coming. Besides, he was making fun of me with his eyes, his ears, and his nose!'

James took a moment to consider what Eddie said before he gave up, and said 'Eddie, you can kill anyone for any reason, you don't have to explain it.'

'Whaddya mean "just for that"?'

'What?'

'Huh?'

'What?'

'What'

'Huh?'

'What?'

'What?'

'What?'

'Huh?'

'I don't know.'

'I do.'

'What?'

'I forgot.'

'Pot.'

'Where!?'

'Behind you.'

James turned around, and when he turned back, Eddie was gone. Grabbing the pipe, James picked up a tablet behind him that said 'Fatass'. Going through the door, he got the distinct feeling that he was in prison, especially after he picked up a map that said 'Da Pr150n l0l'. Shrugging, he continued down the hallway and turned left, finding the place where you talk to an inmate completely destroyed. Walking through it, James came out on the other side with two straight-jackets on either side.

One sprayed him with acid, screaming 'Eat nitrous acid, bitch!'

'N00b!' the other one cried.

'What?' James cried. 'It's on like Donkey Kong, mofos.' James leapt into the air with his hands forward, screaming 'Limit Break!' A blue text bubble appeared out of nowhere above James, reading 'Retardation'. James came down, slumping, face expressionless as he drooled. This occurred for about five minutes before the straight-jackets were creeped out, and ran away. James, laughing, ran into the room on the right side, near a gate. Inside was the straight-jacket that had ran away. Blasting its skull into oblivion, James stepped over it and into the next room.

On the wall, on a rack that was much too big to fit it, was a _HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE_ gun, silver, with big strap like a Gatling gun's, only with huge, green bottles of plasma.

The BFG.

'Whoa . . .' James said as he took the Hunting Rifle. Having a lightbulb moment then, James took the humongous firearm and strapped the twenty BFG rounds around his shoulder. He looked like a badass, too. I mean, you picture James Sunderland with a huge BFG, and you wouldn't be thinking 'Oh, there's a retarded guy who has some dark past', you'd think 'Holy shit, duck!'

James opened the door and then the other, back in the hallway with the two straight-jackets. The first was dead, but the 'N00b!' one was still there.

'H3y n00b,' the demon called. 'U r d34d!' The straight-jacket shambled up to James, who raised the BFG, charging it up to full blast. Releasing it, the huge green ball of swirling plasma bolted down the hall, blowing the straight-jacket into sixteen pieces, and ripping a huge hole in the wall. James sucked in a huge breath, astounded that he had found such a weapon. Popping the first cartridge out, James slid a fresh one in.

'Pwn3d,' he screamed, and ran through the prison.

— — _A word from our author, the prick — —_

Author: You just wait, damnit, I'll slice your balls off and stick a rifle

up your ass. Anyways, this is a brief intermission from the story due to time constraints.

We have too much.

Therefore, we shall bring you what is happening to Pyramid Head. You may be wondering, why even leave this note? Well, to take up room, of course. I do have a page quota of four, and I'll use any cheap trick I can to reach it. Watch.

Author: Poop.

Author: Meow.

Author: Moose.

Author: Swallows.

Author: Coconuts.

Author: See? We're a little closer to the quota now. Anyways, to Pyramid Head.

Author: Pyramid Head.

— — _Zoooooooooooom to Pyramid Head — —_

'Jim, did you lock up the BFG?'

'The what?'

'The BFG, the huge cannon that I'm going to use to kill James when he reaches my lair in the Hotel. Did you sell it for drug money again?'

'I didn't lock anything up, man, I've been here the whole time.'

Tom the Pyramid Head froze in mortal terror, holding up an intercom. 'Bart?' he said.

No answer.

'Baaart?'

No answer.

'The straight-jackets I posted on guard there aren't responding,' Tom said to Jim.

'Maybe James took the BFG and is wielding it, killing everything he sees like a bad-ass.'

'Preposterous!' Pyramid Head said.

— — _James — —_

James' radio was broadcasting the whole thing (technically it was a

baby monitor, but no one's caring) as he stood there – he grabbed it and spoke into it.

'Yeah, Tim and Jom, I do have your BFG, and I'm going to use it to _BLOW YOUR ASSES TO THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY!_'

From the radio there came a baked 'Okaaay.' Tom the Pyramid Head dropped the radio, picked it up, and began to pant.

'Okay, James, you don't have to do anything rash, we all say things we don't mean, but–'

'Oh I mean it, paedophile. Your ass is grass.' James, in the time of the intermission, had found the 'Pillow' and 'Your Name Here!' plates. Ending the conversation, he put the plates in the gallows and there came womanly scream. James took the horseshoe, and ran to that hatch that you need a handle for. Trying the horseshoe, he realised that he needed something to attach it to the hatch.

'Screw it,' he said as he charged up the BFG and blasted the hatch open, jumping down. He landed in a morgue, and entered the place where they stored the bodies. He looked in each hole, finding his shotgun, a corpse, another corpse, one more corpse, then a corpse, another corpse, two corpses, six corpses wrestling, the corpse of Bon Scott, and a hole with a light at the end. Going through, he found himself in an apartment, with a weird looking man laying down in his room, and a large hole in the bathroom.

'Hmm . . .' James said as he stole all man's food, and crawled through the hole. As he left, he heard the man say 'Well, time for some Rice Krispi—son of a bitch!'

James was in the morgue once more, and, opening another door, found himself looking at another H013. Screaming 'w333!' James leapt down into the darkness.

He landed on a fluffy mattress, stained yellow and brown. Standing up, he opened another door to find another H013. Jumping down, he found himself face down in a pile of shit. Screaming, he jumped up and found an elevator, with a save point next to it. Written in crayon upon the wall was: _T3h 3l3v4t0r 2 t3h L4byr1nth3._

'Stop with the damn leet-speak,' James fumed as he opened the elevator doors. Inside, he found the Aqua Teen Hungerforce. Shake looked at him with a sny nod, while Frylock said 'Hello' and Meatwad said 'Wassup, holmes!'

'Pardon me for asking, but what the Hell are you?' James said.

'Love you answer your questions but this is our stop, douchebag. Okay, everyone out!'

'But–' Meatwad began, but was cut off.

'The only "buts" I want are your asses moving!'

'Shake, we've still got forty floors to go!' Frylock scolded.

'Well we'll take the stairs, now _MOVE_!' Everyone filed out of the elevator.

'That was perfectly normal,' James said as the elevator moved down.

— — —

_Will the Aqua Teens make it? Will James blow the Pyramids' asses to the fifteenth century? Will the nameless man buy more Rice Krispies? Tune in next time for: T3h L4byr1nth3!!!!!11!!!!1!!!1111!!!!!_

P.S.: _ATHF is a cartoon on Cartoon Network's 'Adult Swim'._


	8. Chapter 8: T3h L4byr1nth3

Chapter 8: T3h L4byr1nth3

**Subchapter 1: Enter T3h L4byr1nth3**

The elevator reached the bottom, and James stepped out, aiming the BFG everywhere. He found himself in a small maze, which, after three hours, he managed to find a ladder leading into a pentagonal room. From down the hall, he hearda voice singing 'Welcome to the Machine' by Pink Floyd, and also the sound effects, plus he played a bass guitar.

Actually, Tom the Pyramid Head was on lead vocals and bass, Jim was on guitar and backing vocals, part, and a nurse was playing the synthesizers. James crept so he could look down the halls, silently whispering the lyrics. He could see them walking down the hall, kinda like a little traveling orchestra. If he hadn't liked the song, he'd have blown them to bits with the BFG – instead, he let them be, deciding to sneak behind them.

'_STEALTH_!' James screamed as he darted out, stomping as he sprinted, crashing into the walls with the BFG and panting incredibly loud. Turning, he kicked open a door and slammed it shut.

The bass and vocals stopped as Tom said to Jim 'Did you hear anything?'

'Yeah, I can hear "Welcome to the Machine" by Pink Floyd,' a very stoned Jim replied.

'I hear a voice in my head,' the nurse said. 'It tells me to kill people.'

'Uhh, cool.' The song started over again.

Inside Pyramid Head's (Tom) lair, James snickered. 'That was like _Splinter Cell_, James said,' James said.

Author: Wait, repeat that.

'That was like _Splinter Cell_, James said.'

Author: No, you don't say 'James said'. I say that.

'Freedom of speech, bitch.'

Author: Oh, damn.

James found Pyramid Head's knife on a coffee table, and stuffed it in his pocket. Realising that there was nothing more to do, he returned to the top floor and ran around until he came to a room with a big box in the centre. Spinning it around aimlessly, he found the room behind him was open now. Running through, he came to a room with bars seperating him from a bed and an STD ridden whore named Maria.

'James-ee-poo!' she called. James screamed and hid behind a stool, before he realised what kind of stool it was.

Author: I didn't write that.

'Yes you did,' James said, plugging his noise. 'Anyways, where were we? Oh yeah . . ._ HOLY SHIT!_ Maria! I thought that thing killed you? Are you hurt bad?'

'Not at all silly!' Maria giggled.

'Maria? That guy . . . he stabbed you! There was blood everywhere! See: I took pictures!'

'James, those are pictures of those zombie Nurses passed out and naked. Did something happen to you? After we got seperated in that _looooong_ hallway? Are you confusing me with someone else?'

'How can I mistake anyone for a smelly, STD ridden whore with fake blonde hair – wait, this is America, so–'

'You were always so forgetful, remember the time in the Hotel?'

'Oh God yes!' James screamed, remembering. 'But how do you know about that? I ordered a hooker named Martha, not Maria . . .'

'You said you took everything – but you forgot that video game we made. I wonder if it's still there . . . hmm . . .'

'_HOW DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS!?_' James screamed. 'You're Maria, right?'

'I'm not your Mary,' Maria said coldly.

'Duh, you'd be dead if you were. So you're Maria?'

'I am . . . if you want me to be.'

'All I want from you is an answer!' James yelled as he stood up. 'That, and a sandwich. Plus an exit would be nice. And some pot.'

'It doesn't matter who I am, James. I'm here for you.'

'Your hand smells like . . . Marijauna!' James screamed, in shock.

'Not just Marijauna – _MARIAJUANA!_ If you want it, come and get it. I can't do anything through these bars.'

'I don't want anything but weed, so just slip it through the—'

'Hurry back.' James sighed, and left the room.

**Subchapter 2: Psychedelia**

— — — _Somewhere_ — — —

'I do believeth that we be inside an Labyrinth,' said a frog-like creature to an orange haired kid and a robot.

'Mine sensors are reading thine gayness, Frog,' the robot said.

'Mineself be not homosexual!' Frog retorted, brandishing his broadsword. 'Crono, telleth this fool that mine penis only standeth for the ladies!'

Crono just shrugged.

'To the Abyss with thy souls, thou fools!' Frog cried as he turned to walk down a hallway.

'It is a very fortunate incident that my creators programmed me with a Gaydar, is it not, Crono, my team mate and good friend?' the robot said, much like robots do.

Crono just shrugged.

'That dual shoulder movement for every moment that we communicate to you is becoming much aggravating, my team mate and good friend Crono.'

Crono just shrugged.

'Art thou coming?' came Frog's voice from the hallway a little ways down from them.

'Yes, Amphibian.'

'It's Frog, jackass!'

'Come Crono, we must rescue the Space/Time Continuum.'

Crono just shrugged.

'Lavos-dammit, Crono, I am going to bitch-slap you,' the robot said as it sprouted wheels and zoomed after Frog — Crono, his highest stat being 'Spd', sprinted after them, creating a sonic boom as he did so.

'Robo,' Frog said as they came upon a big hole, 'how far dost thou thinketh that this chasm extendeth?'

'Deeper than your gayness,' Robo said.

'_FOR THE SAKETH OF THE QUEEN, I SHALL KICKETH THINE ASS!_' Frog screamed at the top of his lungs.

'Fine,' Robo sighed as he shot a little scanner down the hole. A little screen popped up out of his side, reading:

_Deeper than Frog's gayness._

Frog just stood there, watching as Robo laughed so hard that he fell down the pit. Finally, brandishing the Masamune, Frog took Crono's hand and threw him into the pit, then jumped in himself.

— — — _J4M35 — — —_

'_If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man — you win some, lose some, it's all the same to me. Duh-duh, dunt duh-duh-duh, duh duh, dunt duh-duh-duh . . ._' James sang as he skipped down a hallway with a wooden floor, until he came to a bunch of wires.

Thinking hard, he pulled out the Great Knife and, in one overhead chop, sliced all the wires at once. Smiling at his own intelligence, he went down the ladder on the next side. There were two patient demons, which got the BFG treatment (that's like, fifteen rounds left?).

James was running around blindly until he came to a room with a metal floor at one small section. Continuing down more ladders, he was ambushed by a patient demon.

'Take this, bitch!' it screamed as it sprayed its shit all over his face.

Suddenly the world exploded into multicoloured light, rainbows everywhere, an elephant running down the hall chasing a tiger, big fluffy clouds, a sun with a smily face, and a clown standing in front of him with pepper spray.

'Got you, loser!' the clown screamed. James blinked repeatedly, but the vision didn't leave. His jaw dropped as a unicorn flew over the rainbow, dropping cold coins.

'Uh, huh?' the patient demon said as it looked around. 'What the hell are you looking at?'

The clown's voice was very deep, like a voice synthesiser — James suddenly giggled and jumped after the unicorn, grabbing at the gold coins.

_In Reality_

James leapt after the gigantic, hanging demon that was dropping feces all over the ground. It looked to the patient demon.

'Uh, what the _HELL_ is he doing?'

'You're asking the wrong guy,' the patient demon said as it watched James take his shirt off and roll around in the crap, screaming 'GIGLIOWONISONIFONICANOMONOWONOLONOBONOJONOLEMIOMALISANIFONICANOBOB!'

Author: This would be a great moment to switch to someone else. Uh, who do we have?

Maria: Ooh! Me! Please, pick me!

Author: Your very presence brings STDs around, Maria, and I for one don't want any.

Pyramid Head: Me and Tom?

Author: Last time I switched to you, you and Eddie got stoned, shit all over Nathan Avenue, and played Guitar Hero.

Pyramid Head: . . .

— — — _To Pyramid Head — — — _

Pyramid Head Tom was walking down a hallway in the L4byr1nth3 when he came across Frog, Crono, and Robo. Pausing to consider the situation, he smirked, reaching for Crono's legs.

'Ohh,' came Robo's robotic voice.

Frog bellowed from the back of his throat, and sat up, coughing. 'Where might we be now?' he said as he grabbed the Masamune.

Crono sat up and shrugged.

Robo beeped loudly and scanned around, coming upon (:P) Tom. He beeped even louder, weird gadgets sprouting from his body at different points. He stood up and took his fighting pose.

'Thou art the lamest machine I hast seen,' Frog said as he grabbed the Masamune and stood.

'I art the only machine you have seen,' Robo said, preparing to fight. Crono drew his katana and waited. Pyramid Head froze dead in his tracks, chuckling a little. Suddenly he grabbed a smoke grenade and threw it – when the smoke cleared, he was approaching the door.

'Dammit,' he cried as he threw another one and exited.

'Well, we hath scared him of—_OWW!_' Frog cried, holding the back of his head. 'What was that?'

'Oops,' Robo said, his fist retracting back into his arm. 'I couldn't see through the smoke . . .'

'Yea, I shall bet!' Frog said, about to cut Robo's ass _down_.

Suddenly they heard a loud laugh and a voice screaming: 'WOLILOLSOLIPOLICOLICOLICOLICOLICOLICOLIMOOMOOMOOLAAALAAALAJAJAJAJA!' They ran out the door to find an adult male, shirtless, rolling in a pile of shit, laughing nonstop. Robo scanned him for fun, and a screen popped out that said:

_James T. Sunderland – 34 yrs old – Drug addict – homicidal – likes long walks on the beach – and fresh baked cookies – and marijuana._

'What shalt we do, Crono, our captain and leader?'

Crono just shrugged.

'Dammit, one of these days, Crono, I'ma stomp yo ass!' Frog screamed.

Robo beeped. 'You didn't speak medievil-ish . . .'

Frog gasped. 'I did not! O no, this is not good!'

Crono pointed to James and then to his katana. Frog looked to Robo – Robo looked to Frog.

'Nah.'

James was still rolling around when Crono cast Lightning on him. It surged through his body, snapping him out of his trance and boosting his though. He sat up quickly.

'_WHAT THE FUCK!?_'

Frog and Robo looked at each other. 'I'll get the left side, you get right,' Frog said. Robo nodded.

— — _Four Hours Later — — —_

James now had his shirt on, and he and the Chrono Trigger gang were walking down a hallway.

'So you guys, like, travel time, and kill weird monsters that are kind of like oversized turtles?'

'Essentially . . .' Robo beeped.

'That is really lame,' James said as he turned to Crono. 'Dude, what is with the hair? You look like a bloody plant in clothes. God, eat something once in a while.'

Crono said nothing.

'Oh, you're giving me the silent treatment, huh? You know what I've been through today? Can you _fathom_ that!?'

Crono said nothing.

'If you don't say something, I'm gonna slice you in—'

Suddenly Crono unsheathed his katana and sliced James' legs off. James fell and immediately started bawling, thrashing wildly as Frog and Robo used their 'surprised' sprites.

'Crono! What hast thou done?' Frog exclaimed. He cast _Cure 2_ on James and the man stood up, still crying.

'He–he—he hurt me . . .' he sobbed as he walked away. The group followed him.

'Well,' Crono said in a very deep voice, 'maybe you shouldn't stick yo nose where it don't belong.'

The frog and the robot looked at him in awe.

'You spoke!' Robo chimed.

'Oops,' Crono said. He fell silent again. Eventually they came to a white door.

'Yay!' James cried as he opened the door. The first thing he noticed was no drugs. The second thing was that Maria was laying dead on the bed. He screamed in joy and did a little dance before the other three entered.

'Well James,' Frog said. 'What shalt thou do now?'

'I don't know.'

'You could come with us,' Robo said. 'We'll warp you to where you need to go.' Instantly Robo used the Gate Key and made a gate (. . . somehow), throwing all of them in.

— — — _In a big, crusty hallway — — — _

'Where might we be?' Frog said as they faced a big, blue door, round, bulging from its 'hinges'.

Author: Uh, behind you!

'What was that?' Robo cried.

'I don't know,' James answered.

Author: Seriously, behind you!

'The creep has been following me forever.'

'He sounds like a pervert,' Robo replied.

Author: Oh fine, screw you then. I hope the thing kills you.

'That's just mean,' James said, hurt.

Suddenly there came a high-pitched . . . noise, really . . . and the four turned around. There was a _HUUUUUGE_ green bulbous monster with several small pincers at the bottom, flexing in a semi-circle around a red membrane inside the green gel.

The Super Metroid!!!!!!11111!!!!

Author: That's lame . . .

'What shall we do?' Robo cried, taking his battle stance.

'James, what dost thou think?' Frog said, turning to James. James, however, was already halfway down the hallway, screaming like a girl as he flailed his arms about.

'He's gayer than you, Frog,' Robo said.

'Dost thou thinketh that, for once, James was ahead of us?' Frog said, ignoring the insult. They all looked at each other as they ran, screaming.

The Super Metroid was much faster, because it floated. It closed in on James, bearing down on him and making another high-pitched sucking noise.

'_AAAAAHHHH_!' James screamed. 'Eww, it's raping me!'

'Calm down!' Robo beeped as they came upon it. Suddenly the thing chirped and looked to them. It let go of James.

'Take him, take him!' Robo screamed. 'Violate the imbecile!' Frog cried.

Suddenly a figure clad in a shabby purple suit leapt between them, aiming their arm-cannon at the monster. It began to 'violate' her.

'Thank The-Nameless-Deity-That-Lucca-Randomly-Mentions-In-The-Forest-After-I-Busted-My-Anus-Fixing-That-Lame-Forest-With-Beetles-And-Snakes-And-Lions—'

'Moveth!' Frog cried as the group took off. The Metroid stopped sucking the life out of the figure, and hovered around her, chirping in remorse. That was the last they saw before they fell down a long pit, maneuvered more than a few hallways, and came to a big jar with a brain in it.

'Well, one thing to do when faced with a being of superiour intellect,' James said. He raised the BFG. 'Blow it to nothing.' Charging the gun up, he blew the tank into pieces, then the Mother Brain. The whole place collapsed, resulting in James and co. trapped in a room with just the Brain on the floor.

'Why is it that I just shot a huge plasma charge into it, yet all it did was turn grey—' James began as the Mother Brain grew a body and stood up, roaring.

'Uhh . . .' Frog said.

Suddenly an asian man appeared — he pointed at the monster and screamed 'It's Godzilla!' Then he was gone.

'I'm too young to die!' James screamed.

'James,' Frog said. 'Thou art, about thirty, no?'

'But you guys are older, right?'

'Well I'm about twenty, Crono is about fifteen, and Robo is about three-hundred. On second thought, Robo, you die first.'

Robo sighed and walked forward. 'I've been hiding this because I don't like it too much, but there's a secret that I have to reveal now.' Robo, after many beeps and loud whistles, transformed into Ultima Weapon from Final Fantasy VII.

'Holy mother of—' James screamed before he was drowned out by Robo shooting a huge blue ray of energy into the Mother Brain's head. They grappled for a while, until Robo was defeated, and cast onto the ground.

'Well, this is where it ends,' Frog said, brandishing the Masamune for a glorious battle. 'Cyrus, this be our finest hour!'

'C–C—Cyrus is your b–b–b–boyfriend?' Robo said faintly.

'Even in death thou insult mine sexuality,' Frog fumed. 'Good riddance.' James pulled out the plank and held the BFG up, whimpering. Suddenly the wall behind them blew up, revealing the mysterious figure that the Metroid had raped — err, 'violated'. It unloaded two hundred-fifty-five missiles into the Brain and thirty super missiles. The monster charged up a weird beam in its forehead, and shot it out at the warrior. It slumped down, panting, as the Brain charged up once more.

'Nay!' Frog cried, jumping up with the Masamune and slashing the Brain. He was swatted away as the Super Metroid closed in on the beast. It clinged upon the monster, sucking its life amid shriek after shriek after shriek after shriek after—

Author: We get it!

—_AFTER SHRIEK!!!!!!11!_

The Brain ceased to move, and the Metroid flew to the Warrior, giving it energy. Suddenly the Brain stood once more, and began attack the Metroid.

'Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight . . .' James muttered.

'Silence, thou fool!' Frog yelled.

The Metroid flew up, turned yellow and fell down, crumbling into dust. James and Frog simultaneously began crying, sobbing 'No! Not fair!'

The Warrior stood slowly, flashing every colour of the spectrum. With a strong, womanly cry, she began to unload upon the Mother Brain with the Hyper Beam.

''Tis a lass!?' Frog cried.

The Mother Brain collapsed, dead. James and Frog and Robo and Crono erupted in applause until the self-destruct system came on.

'Oh no, oh no, game over man, game over!' James cried.

'Isn't that from "Aliens" or something?' Crono said as Robo opened a gate.

'This is nearly as gay as Frog,' he said. 'Let's go.'

Frog, though angry, conceded and jumped through the Gate.

'Who were those idiots?' Samus Aran wondered as she began her escape from Zebes.

— — — _To a Cemetery — — —_

'Glad to be back in Silent Hill,' James said. He looked at a tombstone in front of him.

_Here lies Frog, the gayest creature in all times, places, and multiverses._

Robo snickered as Frog blushed. James looked to another one.

_Here lies Robo, who is a bigger idiot than James._

'Screw you, headstone!' Robo cried as he punched the ground.

_Here lies Crono, who is the only cool guy in the group._

'That's dumb . . .' Robo and Frog said at the same time.

_Here lies Shake, who everyone wants to see dead._

'Ignore that one,' Robo said.

_Here lies Frylock, who has been a very bad boy._

'. . .'

'. . .'

'. . .'

'. . .'

_Here lies Meatwad, who everyone likes except imbeciles._

'I like him,' everyone said at the same time, amidst 'He's cool' and 'I like his hair'.

_Here lies James Sunderland, who enjoys being violated by men wearing Pyramid-shaped helmets._

'That is true—I mean, preposterous!' James cried. There was a H013 in front of it. James jumped down, as did all the others.

**Subchapter III: Escaping T3h L4byr1nth3**

James and co. came to a door that was showered in catsup.The others were reluctant to go in, so James went alone. Upon opening it, he saw Eddie Dombrowski with a revolver, surrounded by corpses.

'Freddie? What are you doing?' James asked as he laughed, holding his hand up in high-five.

'What does it _look_ like?' Eddie snapped. James pouted.

'Fine, be that way . . .'

'He was always busting my balls!' Eddie continued.

'Good, the way you talk you deserve it.'

'Shut up James!' Eddie cried, aiming the gun at the blonde's heart. Barely avoiding a bullet, James was clearly scared.

'Say, Eddie,' he said slowly. 'Why don't we settle this like men? Hand-to-hand?'

'Fine with me,' Eddie said. He suddenly grew into Stryker from Mortal Kombat, and took up his fighting pose, smirking. James laughed maniacally as he morphed into Glacious from Killer Instinct.

— — — _Outside — — — _

'"Angry Chair",' Frog said. Robo, now with speakers, began to belt out 'Angry Chair' by Alice in Chains while he Frog and Crono played Halo 2.

'DENIED!' Crono screamed as a shotgun blast was heard. Frog threw down the controller.

'This be ludicrous!' the Amphibian screamed as he stood. 'We should be with James!'

'I thought Cyrus was your boy—' Robo started as Frog flicked his off switch.

'Let's go.'

— — — _With James_ — — —

'Who got pwned?' James cried.

'Eddie got pwned,' Eddie said weakly.

'_I SAID WHO GOT PWNED_!?'

'_EDDIE GOT PWNED!_' Eddie cried as he died.

Author: That rhymed.

'Shut up,' James said as Frog and everyone entered.

'James!' Frog cried. 'Thou killed him?'

'Yup.' James left.

'Good enough for me,' Crono said as he followed.

— — — _To Angela — — — _

Angela stood over a lump of flesh, her knife all bloody as well as all of her clothes.

'That jerk!' she cried. 'He skipped me!' She began to cry.

Author: Angela, I just want to say . . .

'What?' Angela asked, feeling a little better.

Author: . . . that absolutely _noone_ feels any ounce of sympathy for you. So shut up.

Unknown voice: That's cold!

—_To Be Continued!_

— — —

_Does anyone feel for Angela? Where is the gang headed for now? INSERT QUESTION HERE? Find out next time in: The Brady Bunch! Wait, wrong card . . . The Nameless Parody! Does that have any truth? I mean, that's the name, so it's contradicting itself . . . who cares!_

_The trip through the gate is brought to you by 'Super Metroid', Sunkist, and Stride gum!_

_P.S.: THIS WAS 12 PAGES, TAKING OVER A WEEK TO WRITE! YOU'RE WELCOME!_


	9. Chapter 9: Solution 9

Chapter 9: Solution 9

'Why, Cyrus, must I be tortured with these imbeciles? O why?' Frog commented as the . . . quadro? Would that be it? It's four, and three is a trio . . . a tetrio? Let's just say quadro. Anyways, as the quadro found themselves outside.

'Because I've seen you staring at my backside,' came a voice from somewhere.

'_THINE ARMOUR WAS NEW, I WAS ADMIRING IT!_' Frog screamed.

'Suuuuuuure . . .'

'Crono, look!' Robo beeped. 'It is a canoe!' The four looked out into Toluca Lake, and saw the Aqua Teens boarding a yellow submarine. Shake was laughing maniacally as the hatch closed and it submerged. James began singing 'The Yellow Submarine' until Crono backhanded him in the jaw.

The four boarded the wooden canoe and took off, despite the fact that the sign said 'Weight Limit: three, and no robots'.

James began to whistle, and then began to sing: '_Always look on the briiiiight side of life. Doo, Doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo! Always look on the riiiiipe side of life. Doo, Doo-doo, doo-doo_ _doo-doo!_'

'What on Earth are you singing slash whistling?' Robo asked.

'That song at the end of "_Monty Python: The Life of Brian_",' James replied.

'Never heard it,' Robo beeped.

'It's good.' Silence ensued, before James said in a low voice: '_Grip the wheels, his knuckles ran white with desire — the wheels of his mustang exploding off the highway like a slug from a .45. True death: four-hundred horse power of maximum performance, piercing the night: This is Black Sunshine!_'

Everyone looked at him like he was an idiot.

'_We're on the train to Bangkok, aboard the Thailand express! We'll hit the stops along the way, we only stop for the best!_'

'I can't take anymore,' Frog mumbled.

'_Well she was an American girl: raised on prophecies! She couldn't help thinkin' that there was a little more to life . . . somewhere else!_ _After all it was a great big world, with lots of places to run to — and if she had to die tryin' she'd have one little promise she was gonna KEE-EE-EE-EE-EE-EEP. Oh yeah — alright — take it easy baby — make it last all night. She was: AN AMERICAN GIRL!_'

'Why, God, why?' Robo asked.

'_I can promise you . . . you'll stay as beautiful: with dark hair, and soft skin. Forever . . . forever . . . make up your mind . . . MAKE UP YOUR MIND, AND I'LL PROMISE YOU: I will treat you well, my sweet angel, so help me Jesus!_'

'James, please stop,' Robo said.

'Who was that?' Frog asked.

'_Generals gathered in their masses . . . just like witches at black masses. Evil minds that plot destruction! Sorcerer of death's construction! In the fields of bodies burning — as the war machine keeps turning! Death and hatred to mankind — poisoning their brainwashed minds. OH LORD YES!_'

'Please stop singing!' Frog cried.

'_I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. See how they run like pigs from gun, see how they fly: I'm cryin'. Sitting on a cornflake . . . waiting for the VAN to come! Corporation T-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday, man you've been a naughty boy, you've let your face grow long. I am the eggman (BOO!), they are the eggmen (BOO!), I AM THE WALRUS! GOO-GOO-GOO-JOOB!_'

James then stood up and proceeded to gyrate his hips in a dance. '_Mr. City Policemen sitting pretty little policemen in a row. See how they fly like Lucy in the sky, see how they run. I'm cryin' — I'm cryyyyyyyyyyyyy—_'

Author: Okay, this has gone too far.

Suddenly the weird boat monster from Resident Evil 4 came up and knocked the party to the front of the Hotel. Robo beeped, and Frog bellowed. James was soaked, and standing up, looking sad.

'_Seasons don't fear the reaper . . . nor do the wind nor the sun nor the rain . . .we could be like they are: come on baby, don't fear the reaper . . ._'

'_JAMES, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I WILL BEAT YOU TO WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE!_' Crono shouted. James pouted, and the four entered the Hotel.

— — — _Ten seconds later — — —_

'Where are you, guys!?' James cried. He had been lost for what seemed like forever, and had wandered in to a room with a piano in it. Instantly he heard the sound of a synthesiser, and Laura jumped out sporting 3-D goggles. James raised the BFG.

'Hello James!' Laura cried.

'Laura!' James screamed. 'Taste some swirling green plas—'

'You're here to find Mary, aren't ya James? Well, have you? I'm _tired_ of _walking_!'

James fired a BFG shot into the air. 'Why is everyone interrupting—'

'But she said it in her letter!'

'Huh?' James said as a swirling blue hole appeared under him. 'Oh crap.'

It was a 'Gate'.

— — — _Two hours later — — —_

'Robo, dost thou have a map?' Frog asked as the four walked through the Hotel.

'Frog, we've unlocked the third floor stairwell. We're just waiting for James.'

Silence.

'Wanna play Scrabble?'

'Thou're on!' Frog cried.

Suddenly a huge Gate appeared over them, with James spilling out. He was covered in red gel, with a purple hat on and a huge mace on his belt.

'James!' Frog cried.

'Where did the Gate take you?' Robo beeped.

'_I DON'T KNOW!_' James cried.

Fortunately Robo's interior was a shower also, so James showered, washed his clothes, watched Spongebob Squarepants, et cetera. When they were ready, they ascended the stairs and entered the room where Mary and James stayed.

Author: I shall let the reader know that you owe me. You don't know how boring the searching process was for the unlocking of that gate.

— — — _Flash! Oh-oh! Saviour of the Universe! — — —_

_Robo looked at the Music box, utterly baffled as to the order of the littler boxes. Crono stepped forward and arranged them perfectly._

'_I shalt ignoreth how thine knows these things,' Frog said. They switched the music box on, and it belted out that one song that goes 'You spin me right round, baby right round, like a record, baby'._ _Robo jumped atop the box and used Laser Spin, turning himself into a disco ball. Frog and Crono shrugged, and immediately began to 'get down'._

— — — _BaaaaaaaaaaaaaCK! To the future! — — —_

The four opened up the room and found a Super Nintendo with a strange cartridge inside. James turned it on, and found it was called 'Moon Masters'. He moved forward a bit, and a computer voice said 'You beat level 1!'

James giggled, and played the next level just as easily. 'You beat level 2!' The next level showed up, with a big monster in the centre of the room. 'Beware the Gorgotron!' James hit Y and shot a blast that instantly honed in on the 'Gorgotron' and killed it.

'Congratulations! You beat Moon Master! You _are_ the Moon Master!'

Suddenly two 2-D figures broke through the window, one big and green, the other purple. Immediately the green one spoke.

'Oh look at that,' it said.

'You're the Moon Master!' the purple one said.

'Cool!' James screamed in a very high-pitched voice, jumping up and down as he clapped.

'Now, you must undergo Moon Master training, so that you may defeat the Gorgotron.'

The purple one pulled out a piece of paper. 'The Gorgotron has ate all our people, pillaged all our villages and destroyed all our . . . "craps".'

'For God's sake, Err, I wrote crops.'

'But I told you, "craps" is funnier.'

'Yet that does not compute correctly.'

'Well that's what you wrote, anyways. See, "craps". Twice, even in a rewrite!'

'I suppose that I made an error. We will fix it once we return to the ship. Anyway, you are the Moon Master, James Candyland.'

'Sunderland,' James corrected.

'Smutherland.'

'Sunderland.'

'Suntan-land.'

'Sunderland.'

'It matters not what your puny Earth name is, James Rubberband. You must undergo serious training if you wish to defeat the Gorgo—'

The door opened, and the two jumped. In walked the Aqua Teen Hungerforce. Shake immediately laughed — he was holding a beer, though — and said 'Ignignokt, Err! What's up, yo?'

'Hmmph, stupid Earthlings,' Ignignokt said. 'We have found the Moon Master, so stand aside, want-to-be's.'

'I thought . . . _I_ was the Moon Master?' Meatwad asked. Ignignokt and Err stammered unintelligably for a few minutes before Iggy spoke.

'Oh dear, I think we left the stove on. Come, Err!' They left through the window that they'd broke. Frog drew the Masamune and growled. James slid his video tape inside the VCR that magically appeared, and an image came on the screen of him and Mary in bed, sleeping. James turned, and ripped the blanket off of Mary's side. Mary ripped it back. James turned again. Mary took the blanket back. James growled and, still sleeping, grabbed Mary's head and shoved it into the pillow, screaming 'My blanky!'

The image grew fuzzy, and shifted to a scene of James getting beat by a baseball-bat wielding Mary. 'That'll — teach — you!' she screamed.

The image shifted again to James shooting Mary in the arm with a pistol. 'That'll — teach — you — to steal — Mr. Blanky!'

The screen went black.

'Was that some crappy B-Movie?' Frylock asked. ''Cuz I feel like two minutes of my life have been wasted.'

'Yah, let's ditch this place, yo,' Meatwad said. The Aqua Teens left. Then the Chrono Trigger gang grabbed James and left the room, disappointed that that was the climax.

The Hotel had changed considerably. Now the walls were darker, dripping water, and it smelled like tuna. James raised the BFG and grinned.

'Let's find Mary.'

— — — _At Pyramid Head's Lair_ — — —

'Maria, just get on the bed,' Tom said as Maria looked at the big, square contraption.

'No!' she said. 'You're going to stab me with that spear!'

'Of course I am! That's what we agreed on! Remember!?'

'Oh yeah.' Maria got on the bed. Tom wrinkled his nose from inside the helmet.

'Ahem.'

'Oh.' Maria closed her legs.

'Thank you.' Jim the Pyramid Head shambled up with his spear, smoke coming from under the helmet. It smelled like cigarettes, however.

'I thought you quit?' Tom said.

'I ran out of gum,' Jim said.

'So you are sobre?'

Jim sighed. 'Yes.'

'No weed at all?'

'Well, one small puff.'

'Good enough for me.'

— — — _Ang3la — — — _

James, though he had no idea how, was on a flaming staircase, with a black-haired man staring at a big body-bag. Robo and Frog and Crono were who-knew-where, and James was alone on the stairs.

'Hey dude!' James called.

'Mama!' the black-haired man cried. He leapt down and hugged James tightly.

'Not cool, not cool, not cool, not cool, _NOT COOL_!' James cried as he stepped back. 'Dude—'

'Oh Mama, give me a kiss!' Suddenly the man jumped down and kissed James full-on french, enjoying every moment of it. James screamed, threw him off, and stuck his head in the flames, rinsing his tongue with them and then wiping it on his sleeve.

'Dude, not only are you ugly, but incest! Huh? You're Angela! _EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!_' James began to vomit nonstop, filling the whole staircase with vomit. He finally stopped, and looked at Angela.

'I couldn't find any of my family,' she said.

'Do I _look_ like I care?'

'Fine, I'll leave,' Angela said, crying. James felt bad for some reason. He then remembered that he had Angela's Knife. Pulling it out, he held it up, and called:

'You forgot your knife!' He then threw it too her — it plunged deep into her back, causing her to scream and collapse, landing in the fires, burning.

Author: _HOLY CRAP! JAMES! DID YOU—_

'_NO_!' James screamed as he ran down the stairs. He slipped on the vomit, and slid down, breaking the door open and landing, flaming, in front of Frog, Robo, and Crono.

'James, what hast thou—' Frog began.

'Not now!' James said as he walked, still flaming, up the stairs.

— — — _Pyramid Head_ — — —

The two held their spears, ready for James to barrel in. For about six minutes they waited until Tom spoke again.

'Jim . . .'

'Yeah?' Jim asked.

'Did you fart?'

'You heard that?'

'I'm smelling it.'

'Oh.' Jim sniffed the air, then sighed. 'I can't. Dang.'

'You are nasty,' Tom said slowly.

'Eww! Did someone fart?' Maria cried from on the contraption.

'Yeah, Tom did,' Jim said.

'No I didn't!' Tom cried.

'Tom, keep it in! It's just rude!' Maria scolded.

'. . . fuck you, Maria.'

'You already did, Tom.'

— — — _J4M35, R0B0, FR0G, CR0N0_ — — —

'I hate these things!' James screamed as he blasted the nine save points to who-knows-where. Entering the door, the four were astounded. Pyramid Heads Tom and Jim had Maria on a big, upside-down bed, and she was screaming.

'Jaaaames!' she cried.

'Mariiiiiiia!' James mocked.

'Heeeeelp!'

'Noooooo!'

Frog scowled at James. 'Thou shall not helpeth the damsel?'

'You don't know where she's been!' James pleaded.

'Silence!' came Tom's voice from atop the structure. 'Observe as she dies!' Tom stabbed Maria in her stomach, laughing as he did so.

'Pssst.' Tom looked around. 'I'm not dead.'

'Oh,' Tom said as he stabbed her again. 'Now, James Motherland, you shall die too!'

'For the last time,' James fumed as he raised the BFG while the Pyramids magically appeared in front of him. '_IT'S SUNDERLAND!!!_' Robo sprouted amp.'s and began to belt out 'Thunder Kiss '65' by White Zombie. James darted around the room, firing the BFG nonstop at the two Pyramid Heads. They both cried as they tried to hit James, but he was too speedy. At last, James had no ammunition for the BFG — at length, he took out the plank.

'Triple Tech!' he screamed. Crono jumped up and cast Luminaire — Frog jumped up and cast Water 2 — Robo used Shock at that moment. Whatever happened, it killed both the Pyramid Heads. James stood between them, plank outstretched, sizzling with lightning. He put it away, and turned.

'Moving on!' he screamed as he kicked open one of the doors leading to a hallway.

_—To Be Continued!_

— — —

_Is Mary nearby? Are the Pyramids really dead? Will the Mooninites' craps be rebuilt? Tune in next time, if you dare, for the final chapter!_

_James sings part of Black Sunshine by White Zombie, A Passage to Bangkok by Rush, American Girl by Tom Petty, Possum Kingdom by the Toadies, War Pigs by Black Sabbath, and I am the Walrus by The Beatles._


	10. Chapter 10: The End    ?

Chapter 10: The End . . . ?

James and co. found themselves in a misty hallway, with James's and Mary's voices playing in the background.

'Harry?' James's voice said.

'For the sake of all that is Holy, James, it's _MARY_.'

'. . . Gary?'

'. . . Mar-y.'

'. . . Larry?'

'Forget it.'

'Barry?'

'Shut up!'

'Okay, Barry-Larry-Gary-Harry.'

'One of these days, I swear I'm gonna kill you.'

'Tee-hee.'

'So,' Mary's voice continued. 'Did you get the _stuff_?'

'No, but I did get a lot of drugs.'

'James! You stupid motherfu–––––– ahem, thank you sweety, now go take cold bath, and don't forget to throw the hair-dryer in.'

'Wait!' James called. 'What about _our deal_?'

'Oh.'

'Yay!'

'What did she give you?' Robo asked.

'A cookie!' the real-life James said, drooling.

'Thou boughteth illegal substances for a single pastry?' Frog inquiredeth.

'. . . what did you call me?' James asked slowly.

'Huh?' Frog asked, putting a hand on the Masamune.

'_JUST KIDDING_!' James screamed, hugging Frog.

'. . . James, dost thine car have an handicapped sticker upon it?'

'Yes — why?'

'Pay no mind,' Frog sighed, opening the door at the end of the hallway. They found themselves before a single staircase leading up, which they quickly ascended. At the top, they found a woman that looked just like Mary.

'Mary!' James screamed, pulling out the hunting rifle he'd found in the prison. Mary turned around and smiled.

'James!' she cried.

'Huh?' James asked. 'Mary would never smile when she saw me! She'd grab that board and walk at me like she was about to hit me. Who are you!?'

'Show thine true self, doppelgänger!' Frog cried.

'Reveal your identity!' Robo beeped.

Crono just pulled out his katana and rapidly vibrated his head, like seen at the end of Chono Trigger just before the fight with Lavos.

'What is that?' Robo booped.

'I doth not know,' Frog muttered.

'Who cares?' James whispered as he raised the hunting rifle.

Suddenly the ATHF showed up, followed by the Mooninites. Frylock was blasting Space Invader-esque ships with his eyes, while Meatwad was beating a ship with a mallet. Shake had an assault rifle in one hand and chainsaw in the other, sawing little 2-D figures in half and blasting them to kingdom come.

'Puny Earthlings! Witness the power of the _Moon_!' Ignignokt cried.

Author: You guys had to interrupt the climax, didn't —

'Surrender, EternalFlare and give us your beer!' Ignignokt said forcefully to me.

Author: I have no beer, you imbecile.

'Then surrender your women!' Err screamed.

Author: Hmm, lemme check . . . got none here.

'Then your men will suffice,' Ignignokt said. All fell silent for many minutes. '. . . for Err, I mean.'

'Hey I don't do that!' Err screamed.

'Who knew "Err" was a "Herr!' Shake screamed. Frylock looked at him.

'That sucked, Shake.'

'But it didn't suck nearly as much as you did in that Prison!'

_Cue generic audience laughter._

'_HahahahahahahahahahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA__**HAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!**_'

Author: . . . ! What was that?

'Let's just get on with it,' Robo beeped.

'_Poison My Eyes' by Anthrax began to play._

The Mooninites' forces honed in on the ATHF, who unloaded all their ammo and energy into them. Robo sprouted huge, rotating blades, and began tearing. Frog held the Masamune up high, and dashed into the fray, slashing and stabbing gracefully. James held up the plank and leapt in, bashing anything he saw (even Frog). Crono did the same as Frog, only he looked a little more like a samurai. Mary just stood there, tapping her foot impatiently, checking her non-existent watch, and humming some stupid classical song.

The battle droned on for hours, until, finally, Mary had enough, screaming '_STOP_!' at the top of her lungs, as well as the bottom. Everyone, even Robo and the ATHF, who had none, held their ears and screamed, rolling on the ground. James, who was used to it, managed to stay up. The Mooninites flew away, and all their little ships crashed. James was all alone.

'Uh . . .' he said, 'ruht-roe.'

Author (who has headphones on — HA!): Did you just imitate Scooby-Doo?'

'Res.'

'James!' Mary screamed. 'I'm Maria!'

'Oh. Oh! _OH!_' James covered his privates with one hand while grabbing the plank.

'_Not!_' Mary screamed. James relaxed. Suddenly Mary swung her hand, and the plank fell out of James's. He screamed, and brandished the pipe. She knocked that away too. He pulled out the pistol, shotgun, and the empty BFG. All got knocked away.

'See, James? See how powerful I have become?' Mary said, floating. Suddenly a shot rang out, and a hole appeared in Mary's stomach.

'Ha ha!' James cried, cocking the rifle and aiming again. He fired once more, hitting Mary in her thigh.

'Screw you!' Mary yelled, throwing a bolt of lightning at him. James absorbed it, and threw it back at her, hitting her right in the breast. 'Ahh!'

'You suck, n00b!'

'ROTFLOL!' came Robo's voice. 'Pwn th4t n00b, J4m35!'

'0k3y-d0k3y,' James said as he shot her again. Mary began to cry, before she turned into a monster with a long tentacle and in a bed. She looked silly to me, but . . .

'What did you say?' Mary-Demon asked.

Author: Uh, I said you were beautiful and will marry you.

'Really?'

Bang.

James shot her right in the back. 'P-I-E-I-Owned!'

Author: James, you know I really meant that I'd marry her . . .

'Really?'

Author: _ARE YOU KIDDING? FUCK NO_!

'Cool,' James said. Suddenly Maria jumped up and was crying as she brandished a lightsabre —— make that, six lightsabres.

'I thought you loved me, EternalFlare!' she screamed.

Author: I loved that pie you baked me, but, you, no way.

'I will kill James, then catch that Frog and make him my pet, then make that Robot my slave, and keep that Crono guy my boy toy, and adopt that Meatwad ('cuz he's _soooooooooooooooo_ cute!) — then, I'll kill you!'

One lightsabre lashed out and cut James's rifle in half. 'Son of a nutcracker!' he screamed, throwing it down. 'Well, Mary, will you at least let me choose how to die?'

'Sure,' Mary said.

'I'd like to die _CHOKING ON YOUR SOUL_!' James screamed as he bit a chunk of Mary's chest out. 'Mmm . . . flesh . . .'

Mary scowled and raised the lightsabres, about to kill James. 'Goodbye. You shall never smell pot again!'

James began to cry as he fell to his knees. 'Just one little sniff?' he begged.

'No.'

'Shoot.'

'Cyrus!' came a voice as a green figure with a broadsword (who _else_ can it be?) sliced Mary's arms off, along with the lightsabres. 'James, now!'

Mary's tentacle lashed for Frog, but it was shot off by a huge bolt of plasma, followed by a beep of 'Atropos!'

Mary turned to kill Robo, but a form darted across at the speed of light, cutting Mary's last tentacle off, screaming 'Ayla!'

'Ayla!?' came everyone in the world's reply.

'Err . . . I mean, Marle!' Crono corrected.

James stood up, and pulled the Great Knife out. Mary scowled at him, hissing, and a big yellow light pulsated in a circle about our blonde-haired protagonist.

'What is the retard gonna do?' Mary laughed.

A blue box appeared over James. It read:

_Omnislash._

'_HOLY—_' everybody screamed as James ran forward, swinging the Great Knife all over. A huge cloud of blood obstructed their view any further. When at last the red could dissipated, James was standing, swinging the Great Knife over his head and hooking it on his back as the victory music from FFVII played.

Robo stood and pressed buttons on his arm — the Epoch flew to their location. Frog cried 'Getteth inside!' The four got in, leaving the ATHF to die. They just got in the way, right?

Author: By the way, Shake: _YOU OWE ME TEN BUCKS!_

— — — _Over Lake Toluca_ — — —

'_I'm the man on the Silver Mountain!_'

'James, shut up.'

'_A modern-day warrior, mean-mean stride — today's Tom Sawyer, mean-mean pride—_'

'Why doth he persist in singing even though we hath asked him to cease?'

'Because I have nothing else to do but play Super Nintendo and Chess, and the first has no games for it, and I'm too dumb to play the latter. _SO YOU WILL ENJOY MY SINGING!_'

— — — _Excuse us for a second — — —_

'_OWWW! GOD, NOT THERE! ANYWHERE BUT — OWWW!_'

— — — _Thank you for your time, and attention_ — — —

Finally, mercifully, the group came to the cemetary where James first entered Silent Hill. James got out, feeling disappointed.

'Well . . . here now . . . in the sunlight of a cemetery . . . comes the end of our Fellowship,' he said. 'I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.'

'That be very inspiring, O James Sunderland, son of Frank Sunderland, master of Silent Hill!' Frog said.

'I read it in a book,' James said. 'Can't remember what.'

'Well, we shall miss you,' Robo said. He beeped twice.

'I'll miss you too, R2-D2.'

Crono nodded.

'I won't miss you,' James scowled. Crono shrugged.

'What shall you do now?' Robo asked.

'I'll probably move in with a man named Henry Townshend, who lives in the apartment complex that my dad owns. He must be a photographer, must like to beat things with blunt objects and axes, and say "What the hell?" very often. Keep in mind, I'm only saying these things because the Author will strike me down with lightning if I don't allude to the second parody.'

Author: Damn straight.

'Then this is goodbye,' said Robo.

'Yes it is. Goodbye, you three.'

'Until next we meet, sire!' Frog cried, and the Epoch took off on a journey through the depths of time. James turned back and began his trip to his car — when Laura walked up.

'Hey James — did you find your stash?'

'No,' James said, angry. 'What do you want?'

'Just to gloat and run away.' She skipped off. James raised the BFG he'd retrieved after the fight with Mary.

'Plot device.'

Click.

'Laura!'

She turned around. James was aiming the BFG with a fully charged blast at her.

'I tricked you!' he cried.

_Whoooooosh!_

_BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

—_The End._

— — —

_This is the end of The Nameless Parody! Stay tuned for 'Silent Hill: The Nameless Parody 2', featuring the Chrono Trigger gang, Henry Townshend, James Sunderland, and many, many more!_

_Songs were 'Man on the Silver Mountain' by Dio, and 'Tom Sawyer' by Rush. Omnislash is from Final Fantasy VII (7) – it is awexome._


End file.
